Grow up and blow away

I wasn’t sure if I should write this in english or in spanish…IF I’m in the mood I will write a spanish version,so things are like this :

I am going back to…about 4 years before,that means I have “one of those depressions”  the ones that sorta come and go,in case you did not know, I sometimes,somedays don’t feel like seeing people or hanging out with people, I am rarely in the mood when I don’t care about people knocking on my door…I think I have never been ok with it…cos…even if it’s people that  I genuinely like  and enjoy spending  time with…sometimes I just wanna be on my own, lately it’s been like that, yes the fact that I’m gross and overweight has to do with it,but also I have to sort many things in my mind, clear many thoughts,I’ve heard one too many times that isolating is not good,well guess what? It works for me cos it’s the only time I can block out people,ideas,noises and distractions and focus ,people just don’t like to be with themselves I guess.

I’ve also heard the horrible “You must love yourself,no matter how you look,you don’t have to be perfect,whoever wants to be with you has to accept you as you are,you are beautiful”… Excuse me? Does it have to be that I wanna go back to size 7 cos then I can be attractive for girls? …whoa people just assume crap,for one,it also means you imply I’ve always been fat, no no, I’d be sorta used to it,no Sir. this being fat has been happening for about 2 years,and no, I won’t love myself like this cos this isn’t me,this is not the person I am,Yeh I’m close to 30, not a good reason to let myself go and stop caring,this extra pounds are fruit to a bad relationship,are the remainder of the one time I changed for others,to please other people,when I denied myself,and guess what? No more of that fucking bullshit, I am gonna be me,the Nancy who is not a super model ,but doesn’t spill like a hamburguer when she sits, the Nancy who doesn’t like to order food, who eats little and healthy and slow, the Nancy who goes out in the daylight only if she has to, freaking Nancy who won’t go out if she does not feel like it!!

Also the Nancy,that for the time being,has cut off all means of communication, no FB,no mobile things on my cellphone,no nada…not even talking when I play Tibia,cos I am too irritable and I’m easy to upset,so easy….sorta like having a mild mental breakdown… but it’s cos I’m mad at myself, and of course we don’t cut no use drugs anymore,so what do we do? We snap,and by we I mean I, I just like to imagine this as a public conference or some shit.  I am gonna stay home,go gym,read,write,play,try new recipes and that’s all I’m gonna do till… I don’t know how long this will take,the very least I am guessing it’s gonna be a month and a half,but I don’t know, a friend told me I should aim low not to be dissapointed,and I understand,but fuck it, I won’t aim low, I will aim high since I have no time limit, plus I do have divided goals, I’m gonna be yay when I can fit my pink trousers,sorta loosely, then I’m gonna be yay! when I can sit and practically no belly shows, and third… I’m gonna be Yay! when I can see the outline on almost every muscle I own,this of course,the latter can take like a year, i know,but the other 2,some months.

Other than that….been grumpy,prone to cry..which makes me angrier…and just not in the mood for anything,slept a lot,but sleeping is good, I haven’t made my mind clear,but I think I’m not drinking either for a while, feels good to go to the gym like 1.45 hrs 4 days a week. I like it, I already made shopping list, I’m excited,cos it’s not a fucking diet,it’s the good shit I always eat..also…gonna get new tennis shoes!  :3 Would buy a new sports shirt but I wanna wait to drop some fat so it won’t be huge afterwards.

It only bothers me,when I see pictures of myself..how dared I, went with my skirt and that blouse on that lesbo queen event…seriously, people must had laughed at me, I looked so stupid..haha they must had thought I was brave and that I thought I was sexy,ahahahaha,such a shame…someday will wear my old clothing proudly,no,looking good won’t make me happy and stuff,don’t even dream of,but will be less horrible :3

Blah no spanish version…. ¬¬ fuck you

 

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