Green eyed demon, begone!

Sometimes in your life, when you sit and think deeply about your past actions, and of others, you come to a better understanding of yourself, and this allows you to accept the person you were, knowing why you were like that and embracing the person you’ve become.

I want to share my latest understanding, the dreaded jealousy! I know I was a jealous person, ( not as bad as some, but still, a bit too silly) but I never sat down and thought about it as to ask myself why? Of course I knew it was because I was an insecure person, that is usually the main issue there, but also I kept attracting and being attracted to exactly the kind of person who could add to such insecurity, I am not saying it’s their fault, it’s no one’s fault, but when you are feeling silly and not worthy you tend to end up surrounded by people who make you face that, I guess it’s life’s way to tell you “Yo,silly ass, wake up!”

Because, if you really do not trust the person you are with, you should respect yourself enough, and also that person and just go, end such relationship, but if you don’t love yourself at the moment, let us even say you hate yourself and the world and expect the worst every time from everyone… it kind of ends up being true, you do get the worst in every possible case, you are tuned for the “bad” vibes so to speak, like a radio set for FM, you only get FM, if you change the tuning, you can get other sort of waves.  At this point you really don’t have much security either, and well this “fear of losing someone” I think, it’s related to the fact that deep down you know or you think, it’s not going to work, you don’t even love this person, you know they don’t love you either, but for a variety of reasons the relationship continues.  So you hold onto something that you know it’s similar to slippery mud, cos you know it won’t stay, and honestly.. you don’t want it to stay, but sometimes you are too lonely or too focused worrying about Gods know what, and you lose yourself a bit, or a lot…

But! when you find yourself, that is the most amazing thing ever, you discover this thing…self-esteem! It’s really nice let me tell you, and then you are ready, you are open and prepared to be attracted and to attract people who can and will respect you, that you can also respect and trust, because you also stopped doing that annoying thing of trying to think for others, or to feel for others, you just, let them be, of course old habits may sneak around now and then, but it’s much easier to get back on the track, it gets easier every time. And you are thankful you met a certain someone at this certain point in your life, cos now you are a proper partner for this kind of nice, loving, respectful, fun relationship.

So, I won’t tell ya to stop being a jealous person immediately,  I’m not a therapist, but I can suggest, to try and think about why are you like that, or maybe it’s another thing, are you an angry person? pessimistic? etc, looking inside one’s soul and mind is, scary at first but it’s the best journey you can have, cos it allows you to further accept and love others, either friends or romantic interest or your family and especially, yourself.

gothspiders

 

 

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