Up & Down,High & Low

… -breathes heavily-  sometimes I think I am very close to successfully get you out of my mind, it’s not like I want to entirely forget you, just this feelings I connect to the human being that is you.  But unlike movies and books I can’t choose how this goes, it’s like that song from Florence and the Machine “You can’t choose what stays and what fades away”.  I mean you can kind of, but… in the end, some street corner, some german name of some beer, some rainy spot makes me think of what it was and stopped being and maybe never was, useless? Hell yeah, but it still happens, and..well it makes me angry sometimes that I can’t quickly shake it off and just exile you from me, I don’t try to deny it, I will follow through cos maybe it’s the only way to a complete heal, but man sometimes it’s driving me nuts, I think I’m doing so well and then I have this stupid ass memory or a dream or a thought and it just crumbles down, I am aware, I know it’s ok for things to end, to not work, sometimes we just meet to show others what they need to change/fix/improve… but it’s not always that easy.

Mostly I want to play it cool, I don’t think you’ll ever read this, but god dammit I miss you sometimes so fucking bad, then I think about some other stuff and I carefully remind myself of how it all changed and I get mad cos you couldn’t be a bit clearer a bit sooner.

I… Ah I’m just so tired, I know love changes and people are bound to meet and well, maybe I do have someone to spend a very good part of my life with, romantically that is, or maybe not, I just can’t completely get over the fact it wasn’t you. It felt so damn real, I was really sure.  At the moment I just want to be left alone, I truly believe I am meant to be alone, I can’t keep on doing this, 2 times is enough for me to find out someone can love me till they get to really know me. I seriously have no desire for this to ever happen again.

Ok, all out, all good. This will take time, maybe a long time, but it’s ok, in the end I am happy we met and all, i am happy I met all the people in my life, no matter how things started or ended.  I just somehow wish you had stayed around longer. Liking me as i am of course, not …well.




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