Mind over matter

So, I can somehow easily overdo things, and go to extremes, been there done that a lot, I am finding a healthy middle point for many things in my life, I’m still struggling with food and that is what this post is about.

Keeping track on what you eat and nutrition is ok, like minding what you eat, but restricting certain food or, even worse, not wanting to eat this or that cos you can’t weigh it in the moment? Now that’s a bit too obsessive, and in the past I’ve had some issues with that, either slamming down 15-20 tacos in a sitting. 3-4 liters of soda, this of course has made me a bit wary and then I just stopped it all altogether. I’ve tried many things, paleo, counting calories, not counting anything,some crazy ass diets, some ok diets but boring as fuck, I haven’t eaten toast for years cos I got so sick of it lol.

So, I don’t wanna be all care free and just eat crap, I do work out cos I wanna look good and stuff, aye some vanity there, I see no harm in it, a little bit of course, not posing on the mirror all day long, fack, I don’t even like mirrors xD , I just want to chill a damn lot, thinking about how many calories more I have to eat ( my usual problem is I don’t eat enough,well trying to eat less carbs and being vegan leads to that you see?) heck, sometimes I finish food just cos I “need” X quantity to hit my goal for protein or fat or whatever.  Eating something I don’t wanna eat for those reasons made me think maybe this ain’t good lol.

It was so fucking good to just not mind that, yesterday I had some spring rolls with some sauce and a soda with my gf and everything was fine, I didn’t magically became obese or died lol, so I wanna be able to do that, sometimes just go out and eat stuff with people or alone or however, without worrying so much.

I will switch to this plan the vegetarian nutritionist gave me, it’s based on “equivalencies” , so 1/2 cup of legumes is one, a tortilla is one of cereals, etc, it’s still keeping and eye on things but way more relaxed, plus I’m not a real fan of cookies or chips or stuff so it’s all good, I have got me this meal reminder app though, cos I do tend to get distracted and forget to eat, so, will try that, of course gonna keep my 3 days at the gym, aiming to walk at least 3-4 kilometres daily ( modern society has us very sedentary ) and adding the yoga and insanity.

I already feel better, let’s see how this goes.

Army of me

Not gonna talk about Björk, instead I’ll write about a very real thing.

Have you ever felt like you overthink stuff? That you worry a bit too much about , well hell, things that have not even happened and may not even occur? Have you found yourself second guessing too much?

anx

This has actually happened

Well, you are not alone!! I too have often been found acting like this.

“The next message you need is always right where you are.” ~Ram Das 

I think that is true, and I shall be open and honest, sometimes, just a little bit I find myself falling back into old patterns, you know how I was drawn to emotionally unavailable people, or who were usually cold but now and then would be sort of nice and warm and that made me feel special, cos I did not think I was special enough, for fuck sake, most often I’d feel they were almost doing me a favour. Then I met nicer people but kinda sorta expected them to either suddenly change into colder individuals or simply “get tired of me”. Those times are over, gladly, but I haven’t completely removed such behaviour, I mean,  have you heard about people, specifically women, complaining about someone being “dry” cos they don’t add enough emojis to the conversation? Does it sound like something that makes sense? No it does not, but still, I noticed, from time to time that idea flashes in my head, the good thing is now, after all I’ve learnt from my past relationships, I can sit down and think “Wow dude,see things as they are, without putting on your freaking out she doesn’t like me anymore? glasses” and find everything is absolutely fine,  it’s just that old fear of people liking me a lot only to start to complain a bit later.

BUT HOLD ON, is that my previous partners fault? Maybe I started to be too needy, as a result of said fear, and that also made them withdraw somehow? We ain’t blaming no one here, but if you recognize a pattern that leads you to where you don’t want to be, again, you can take the moment you need to sit straight ( or do one of those yoga positions ) and remember that how you feel is a choice of yours, that you are good enough and worthy, specially if things have been going well? Is there a logical, reasonable reason why should everything just randomly and suddenly go downhill? Not really.

Do not linger in things that were a certain way, yes maybe this one person ended up liking your friends better than you and you never had alone time cos honestly it sucked, yeh maybe this one person tried to change you constantly, sure, this other one just stopped talking to you without notice and left you wondering and feeling abandoned.

Let’s say it this way, what happens is a plain soup, no nothing but boiling water, your emotions and how you see things are the spices you put there, you could add tasty things or a wee too much salt and then you ain’t gonna like it, but originally there’s nothing to like or dislike, it’s just is.  Maybe someone grew up thinking “love is getting flowers” then they get “dissapointed” cos the person they are with, is not a flower giving person, but they show them love in other way.

The new people you’ll meet, or are meeting or getting to know are NOT those people you knew, those people you met were a reflection of what is inside you, so are the new, and you are a different person now, yeah, still some things to tweak but good grief, I am honestly happy, I can now sit and think “Ah, so this is happening, well, I’ll stop it now”

I hope this is of any use to someone out there, and even if not, it really helps me to put it in words.   Remember we all deserve love, and good things, we deserve them, open your heart and accept the good things, the love from others, from yourself, just let it flow through you, for as long as it lasts, as a song says, “Take the beginning with no end in mind” just let it be.

Let it be.

On a small side note, I’ll be adding some Insanity to my workout routine, on NON lifting days of course and either 1 hour meditation 3 times a week or small ones daily or all, not sure yet, gotta take care of my mind, heart and soul as well as my body.

New view on the Bi.

Short title for a short post. I used to be one of those people who had negative connotations about the bisexuality and until recently I had been sort of thinking about it, it’s unfair to discriminate against someone for their orientation, like hello, I don’t feel like having people think weird stuff cos I am a lesbian right? Well, after some talking and lots of thinking, I realized I was biased, guess why? yes a bad experience, ok some few of those, but it’s no different than those guys who think “all women are so mean” or the gals who may consider “all men are pigs and horrible” because in their path they had a less than pleasant ( or more ) encounters with people who they didn’t got along too well.

On the other hand, there is a saying “you have the love you think you deserve”, I suspect it’s true, cos back then when I was a real mess and I despised my very being, well, isn’t it logical to expect I’d meet people who would reinforce this feeling? If you think you are a huge pile of crap, be ready to meet some toilets that will flush you down further, that is until you change your perception and then, almost magically, you will gravitate towards different situations and people.

So, what I try to say is, it’s not like these girls I’ve met were the way they were as a consequence of being bisexual, they just liked going around and most likely they ain’t even truly bi, just catching what’s available ( which is ok just like be honest people lol )

That is why my list of hmm preferred traits on a woman has changed, if she is an honest, sincere, good hearted person that matters, also if she funny and smart and weird ,but you know what I mean.

So ultimately I wanna apologize about the times when I actively refused to even consider dating bisexual women, due to my prejudices and past experiences.

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unrelated..or is it?

 

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