Army of me

Not gonna talk about Björk, instead I’ll write about a very real thing.

Have you ever felt like you overthink stuff? That you worry a bit too much about , well hell, things that have not even happened and may not even occur? Have you found yourself second guessing too much?

anx

This has actually happened

Well, you are not alone!! I too have often been found acting like this.

“The next message you need is always right where you are.” ~Ram Das 

I think that is true, and I shall be open and honest, sometimes, just a little bit I find myself falling back into old patterns, you know how I was drawn to emotionally unavailable people, or who were usually cold but now and then would be sort of nice and warm and that made me feel special, cos I did not think I was special enough, for fuck sake, most often I’d feel they were almost doing me a favour. Then I met nicer people but kinda sorta expected them to either suddenly change into colder individuals or simply “get tired of me”. Those times are over, gladly, but I haven’t completely removed such behaviour, I mean,  have you heard about people, specifically women, complaining about someone being “dry” cos they don’t add enough emojis to the conversation? Does it sound like something that makes sense? No it does not, but still, I noticed, from time to time that idea flashes in my head, the good thing is now, after all I’ve learnt from my past relationships, I can sit down and think “Wow dude,see things as they are, without putting on your freaking out she doesn’t like me anymore? glasses” and find everything is absolutely fine,  it’s just that old fear of people liking me a lot only to start to complain a bit later.

BUT HOLD ON, is that my previous partners fault? Maybe I started to be too needy, as a result of said fear, and that also made them withdraw somehow? We ain’t blaming no one here, but if you recognize a pattern that leads you to where you don’t want to be, again, you can take the moment you need to sit straight ( or do one of those yoga positions ) and remember that how you feel is a choice of yours, that you are good enough and worthy, specially if things have been going well? Is there a logical, reasonable reason why should everything just randomly and suddenly go downhill? Not really.

Do not linger in things that were a certain way, yes maybe this one person ended up liking your friends better than you and you never had alone time cos honestly it sucked, yeh maybe this one person tried to change you constantly, sure, this other one just stopped talking to you without notice and left you wondering and feeling abandoned.

Let’s say it this way, what happens is a plain soup, no nothing but boiling water, your emotions and how you see things are the spices you put there, you could add tasty things or a wee too much salt and then you ain’t gonna like it, but originally there’s nothing to like or dislike, it’s just is.  Maybe someone grew up thinking “love is getting flowers” then they get “dissapointed” cos the person they are with, is not a flower giving person, but they show them love in other way.

The new people you’ll meet, or are meeting or getting to know are NOT those people you knew, those people you met were a reflection of what is inside you, so are the new, and you are a different person now, yeah, still some things to tweak but good grief, I am honestly happy, I can now sit and think “Ah, so this is happening, well, I’ll stop it now”

I hope this is of any use to someone out there, and even if not, it really helps me to put it in words.   Remember we all deserve love, and good things, we deserve them, open your heart and accept the good things, the love from others, from yourself, just let it flow through you, for as long as it lasts, as a song says, “Take the beginning with no end in mind” just let it be.

Let it be.

On a small side note, I’ll be adding some Insanity to my workout routine, on NON lifting days of course and either 1 hour meditation 3 times a week or small ones daily or all, not sure yet, gotta take care of my mind, heart and soul as well as my body.

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