When you throw the coin and it falls on your face later on

..That’s supposed to mean like you tell people something or give advice and eventually you come to fully understand it and see how you are so not following your own words. I don’t know why I used a coin as metaphor..anyway

The thing is this, I used to have these very important things that I wouldn’t tell just anyone, like most people do, but for me those ended up being an anchor, a point to be exploited and something to get angsty over, so I decided to throw it all away, yes, I tried having a boyfriend and being “normal” (obviously didn’t work,I just felt bad cos I did it late in my life rather than early, as it’s more common, but that’s utter bullshit, I hit bottom rock, I really disliked myself the worst so at that point I didn’t give a flying fuck,  I also even ate meat again (mind you ask, this was horrible for me, but I hated me so much, so deep, it suited me well, for being what I was, is what I was thinking) gladly this last part didn’t last long cos I just couldn’t do it and well, that relationship ended and then I lost all the extra weight and some ( I gained around 25 kilos, 55 lbs) , but I still didn’t heal my mind so I had this girlfriend..hmm how to say it.. I thought it was my last chance so I settled for it, I did hit the gym religiously, I was at my lowest body fat ever, was I happy? fuck no.)

I also did drugs, I used to cut myself, hmm, I had a “light” eating disorder, I took medicine for my mood ( dunno name in English haha), I tried not to cry for so long, then I cried a lot, now I can cry easily sometimes and I don’t care, there is not only one way to live your life, I had very complex and interesting shit going on, I own all of it, I’m not ashamed, everyone can know, I’m a damn open book, this is what has been part of me but it’s not what I am now.

Then we move forward to German ex #2 ( I need to come up with better nicknames lol ) well, I wanted to save money to go visit so when I met her I was less fit that when she came visit me, I also ate a damn lot of snacks, was that her fault? Gods no, but it was a clear sign that I needed to fix something within me.  Of course the uncomfortable feeling and the lack of action also led to boredom-eating lol, so I gained..like 9 kilos that time, I’m still shaking them off, it’s been almost 2 years xD

My point is, I told everyone to be good on the Easter long weekend and watch their meals…what did I do? I had way too many beers and had fries too, I really need to do as I tell others, freaking eat before going to to drink, cos then I don’t feel like eating crap AND going out with a set amount of money, not with a freaking card, if I can stick to these precepts for 2 damn weeks I’ll be good for life.

I..think I’m afraid, I am afraid I won’t be able to get back to that fit style I had back in 2014, alas I didn’t have an ass so I wouldn’t trade that haha, but yes, that is what is going on, if I do well with my macros and activity but “fuck up a bit” then I have an excuse to say I’m progressing very slow, or even getting stalled. You see, I don’t believe in heavy calorie restriction, that makes me cringe, so I have 200-400 less calories which I make gym account for, I go 5 days a week, 3 are def more demanding than the other 2, and I aim to walk an average of 9k steps a day, some days I go over 15 some days I barely hit 7k. I’ll add some dance cardio in the mornings, starting with 3 days a week, see how that goes. I am just afraid I’m a wee too old to look as I want, make no mistake, I’m not a shallow fool, I wholesomely believe how one person’s look is a direct reflection on how they are feeling inside about themselves.

So, with that out of the way… I’m sure I’ll be fine.

Dafuq is wrong with this song? I thought it was about like religious stuff or a very energetic girl named Gloria! Nope, bitch was hearing voices in her head  :v

 

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