Freelancing and other things

Such a creative title, whoa so much power… lol well it can’t be helped, first I want to talk about my experience being a freelancer,  specifically working in UpWork (previously Odesk)

I started when a friend told me about it, I had jobs before you know, costume shop and others, but usually I couldn’t deal with less than nice comments or the stress so I, more than once, literally left running in tears… I knew I wasn’t good adapting to society and shit, but was this a sentence?

Fuck no, working from home was IT, I didn’t use my account much to be honest, that was hm 1 year and a bit ago, I just did what he suggested me, apply to EVERY job that caught my eye and wait, eventually I managed to get some very cool ones, ah cos let me tell you, besides the jobs that let you choose your own pace and you just have to meet the deadline, there are some that require a fixed schedule, those are a no-no for me, one of the things I like most about freelancing is that I am not chained.

I only choose those where I can freely decide if I want to speed like a maniac or take it easy.  Now, they all pay in dollars, I live in Mexico, so even low paying ones are so much better than a regular job here, the last in-person job I had paid something like, 2,200 pesos per 15 days, so 4,400 a month, IF , and I want to make this clear, IF they paid whole, cos you had to rush to bathroom and to eat if you wanted to keep your “bonus” , with one of my recurring jobs, the porn one, the one I like the most, with a single batch of descriptions I make that much, it takes me between 3 and 5 days, and it’s maybe 15 hours? 18 tops. The other job was 6 hours daily, Saturdays too. So you can see which one is the best!

The best part is I don’t have to go out lol, the second best part is da payment, is usually handsome! I also get small things, like for 5,10 dollars, but all counts! the third best thing is you get to do a lot of different stuff, I was only doing translations till I decided I was good enough coming up with shit as not to try “creative writing”, from casino reviews to health articles, it’s so much fun.

Some transcriptions too, some subtitle making, it’s cool to learn new skills on the go and if you don’t like something much, or someone, you just finish and never talk to them again, it’s dead easy.

Of course, sometimes I was a bit worried, when the next job would come? the next payment? which by the way is solved with the applying to all approach, last week I did NOTHING, this week, I had some subtitle translating for a language learning website, rushed porn, cos they needed it fast and an article on wellness. I managed to finish it all, it was super stressful yes, I am demolished, yes, but this happens every 2 weeks or so, I usually take it easy and have 1-2 projects at the same time at most. So, we can say I supa work 3-4 days a month, chill work about 7 and the rest is vacation. I’d say I’m winning in life. Some people are maniac all week long… -shivers-

This may not be for everyone, cos it’s not a “certain” thing, but I prefer to sometimes wonder than to feel chained with my life drained doing shit I hate. Of course some people love the job stability and to climb ranks, that’s good,  I am not saying it’s bad, it’s just not for me, so I’m happy that there’s different options for people like me.

Now on the other things that I mentioned in the title :

Back pain, I don’t know what you think about it and this is my blog so, regardless of what you think I’ll write what I think, lol.

There’s many books, ideologies and belief systems that claim that physical pain usually has an emotional cause, which I agree, why? Well, because, for example, when I sprained my ankle last year, I hadn’t had a sprain in like, 15 years, so why in that moment? I was again conforming in a relationship that didn’t make me happy cos it didn’t give me what I needed/wanted, the part of your body that gets you moving and points direction is your feet right? Well, after this incident, I had a lot of time to talk and it’s when I made some major changes, (again) in my life, so in the end, not being able to walk as usual, gave me the tools to decide in which way did I want to go with my life, relationships,etc.

So, a few weeks ago I had a contracture on my back, it was pretty annoying and bad, now, you know I tend to worry too much and think too much…most people get stiff necks when worried ne? Apparently for me is my back and a very particular spot, also sitting here for like 14 hours isn’t good at all,yes I was working but also, also, they asked me to have like 100-150 descriptions made by the 11, I decided, for myself, to have it ALL done by yesterday (the 10th for them) so that was my own decision. Anyway, the pain is back a bit, but it’s different, it doesn’t hurt to breath, which is awesome, so I’m debating between going to gym, getting it checked or staying here, resting 3 days and going back on Monday, since it’s upper body day today, so back,chest, bicep, triceps and shoulders.

I still worry sometimes yes, about for example, not doing well enough at gym, by the way, I changed weight in some exercises, less weight but full ROM, which is GOOD and works muscles better. I guess sometimes I still get impatient, but alas! I can see a bit of hamstring popping out now, so, this whole eating and lifting seems to the be key to being hot lol

I am not really worried about my trip anymore tho, I mean, I get nervous cos wahhhh, we’ll meet and omg! but I’m really looking forward, ah I should get my passport next week or so ,anyway that part is good I think.

I think I’m supa far from perfect, but we aren’t on earth to be perfect, we have to eat and we poop for crying out loud xD, we can improve every day tho  🙂

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What is love? baby don’t hurt me

No more.

LOL, I just wanted to write that down at least once this year.

Anyway, I was thinking, as usual, so I had to stop my horror movie to write cos otherwise I can’t focus, ah the joys of a busy mind! I was thinking about what we, humans, think love is, specially romantic love and how most beliefs are actually detrimental, even toxic.

I wanted to read about it and I did a quick research, mostly a common mistake was to think you have to endure, to be with your partner no matter what, second is wanting to change the person into what you want instead of loving them as they are.Third was thinking “if I love this person they will change and be good and solve ALL their problems”.

I really like that quote from this Mexican movie “el amor no debe ser sencillo pero si tiene que ser fácil”/”love doesn’t have to be simple but it has to be easy” which is like, sure love can be complex, since we are complex human beings (tho, sometimes we over-complicate things, that happens too often ) , like, apparently relationships have stages and at some point you will have misunderstandings, that I can understand, but I don’t think things really have to or will eventually include like a big fight, I think maybe we are a bit too inclined to expect “bad” things when dating, sure, maybe it’s not a ride on a cloud always and perpetually but… wouldn’t it be better to be with someone who makes you feel like the biggest fight you are going to have is about choosing a color for the kitchen?

Someone you truly accept, love and respect, who doesn’t want to change you and who acknowledges both of you have flaws but that is fine and both of you will continue growing as individuals and as a couple? Maybe the mistake lies in thinking a relationship will fill voids we haven’t filled ourselves yet, if you keep pouring cement in a bottomless hole it will never be full. So, as I say lately, gotta really love yourself to be able to open honestly to this, we all carry scars, demons, but we deserve and should be only with the person who can love us as we try to love ourselves (and them) and to keep on healing. If you are really honest with you and the other person from the start I think the chances for things to go downhill are pretty slim to none.

So my point is, maybe we are too used to extremes, either it’s this fantasy love story with people running to stop flights or it’s a lot of fighting sprinkled with some “ok” moments. “love hurts” fuck it doesn’t! that ain’t love, “love conquers all” well, that attachment we feel and our own stubbornness is different to the fact of love naturally finding a way, forcing things means that’s not the good one.

I think it should be some real, true, romance, with fun, seriousness, support, where you can be yourself, get mad too, get sad, but never having that as an excuse to hurt the one you claim to love.

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L O V E

When you throw the coin and it falls on your face later on

..That’s supposed to mean like you tell people something or give advice and eventually you come to fully understand it and see how you are so not following your own words. I don’t know why I used a coin as metaphor..anyway

The thing is this, I used to have these very important things that I wouldn’t tell just anyone, like most people do, but for me those ended up being an anchor, a point to be exploited and something to get angsty over, so I decided to throw it all away, yes, I tried having a boyfriend and being “normal” (obviously didn’t work,I just felt bad cos I did it late in my life rather than early, as it’s more common, but that’s utter bullshit, I hit bottom rock, I really disliked myself the worst so at that point I didn’t give a flying fuck,  I also even ate meat again (mind you ask, this was horrible for me, but I hated me so much, so deep, it suited me well, for being what I was, is what I was thinking) gladly this last part didn’t last long cos I just couldn’t do it and well, that relationship ended and then I lost all the extra weight and some ( I gained around 25 kilos, 55 lbs) , but I still didn’t heal my mind so I had this girlfriend..hmm how to say it.. I thought it was my last chance so I settled for it, I did hit the gym religiously, I was at my lowest body fat ever, was I happy? fuck no.)

I also did drugs, I used to cut myself, hmm, I had a “light” eating disorder, I took medicine for my mood ( dunno name in English haha), I tried not to cry for so long, then I cried a lot, now I can cry easily sometimes and I don’t care, there is not only one way to live your life, I had very complex and interesting shit going on, I own all of it, I’m not ashamed, everyone can know, I’m a damn open book, this is what has been part of me but it’s not what I am now.

Then we move forward to German ex #2 ( I need to come up with better nicknames lol ) well, I wanted to save money to go visit so when I met her I was less fit that when she came visit me, I also ate a damn lot of snacks, was that her fault? Gods no, but it was a clear sign that I needed to fix something within me.  Of course the uncomfortable feeling and the lack of action also led to boredom-eating lol, so I gained..like 9 kilos that time, I’m still shaking them off, it’s been almost 2 years xD

My point is, I told everyone to be good on the Easter long weekend and watch their meals…what did I do? I had way too many beers and had fries too, I really need to do as I tell others, freaking eat before going to to drink, cos then I don’t feel like eating crap AND going out with a set amount of money, not with a freaking card, if I can stick to these precepts for 2 damn weeks I’ll be good for life.

I..think I’m afraid, I am afraid I won’t be able to get back to that fit style I had back in 2014, alas I didn’t have an ass so I wouldn’t trade that haha, but yes, that is what is going on, if I do well with my macros and activity but “fuck up a bit” then I have an excuse to say I’m progressing very slow, or even getting stalled. You see, I don’t believe in heavy calorie restriction, that makes me cringe, so I have 200-400 less calories which I make gym account for, I go 5 days a week, 3 are def more demanding than the other 2, and I aim to walk an average of 9k steps a day, some days I go over 15 some days I barely hit 7k. I’ll add some dance cardio in the mornings, starting with 3 days a week, see how that goes. I am just afraid I’m a wee too old to look as I want, make no mistake, I’m not a shallow fool, I wholesomely believe how one person’s look is a direct reflection on how they are feeling inside about themselves.

So, with that out of the way… I’m sure I’ll be fine.

Dafuq is wrong with this song? I thought it was about like religious stuff or a very energetic girl named Gloria! Nope, bitch was hearing voices in her head  :v

 

Dating, dating apps and the perfect fit revisited

So, I downloaded this thing called Tinder, yeh ,not for the casual sex sadly, I think that’d be way easier haha, but I don’t like that at all so…

I think there is a major flaw in my approach to this app, or any app perhaps. What seems to be the deal is you match with few people, at least 3? And you go on consecutive dates with them and then you see who you like better, or something.  Thing is I barely have any matches to start with, girls who look for guys have this easier sniff.  My second mistake was to approach this as I have done with all the relationships that started online, so to speak, if we did get to the point of meeting in person, it sorta meant there was already a mutual interest and if a first date went well and more are to follow, you kind of are just gonna see what happens. But it’s not like that on here, in the Tinder world the people you’ve met had met and will meet many others until (maybe) someone really draws their attention, so this should be your scenario as well.

I am not sure I can even do that so… you see, the only reason I have that app is because I don’t really go out, except to buy new workout clothes or to the gym…or on dates apparently. well this year I’ve had exactly 9 dates, 8 with this girl I was dating, duh and 1 on the Saturday, but that’s over too.  Man that’s fast lol.  So that is why I’m using an app cos as much as I like staying in, nice, cute girls won’t come knocking on my door..or will they? Hmm..

Speaking of… I had a list but I think I can trim it down to 10 non negotiable points:

1.- She should really like me and accept me just the way I am, no more no less,no “willing to try out” no, just as it is.

2.- Into monogamy also not a polyamorous person

3.- Lesbian or bi, should like girls more though..way more.

4.-Protective and kind not controlling (ain’t nobody got time for nagging)

5.- NON weed smoker, no drugs actually, thanks.

6.- Beer and Wine are a total and welcomed pleasure to share and enjoy

7.- Definitely sexually aggressive a.k.a a Top, into kinky stuff if possible *grin*

8.- Happy about herself, who loves herself

9.- Cute!!

10.- Loving

 

Ok that’s it, so , I’ll keep using Tinder but seeing as there are many people seeing other many people I shall remember meeting never means anything more than just meeting and stuff,  cos there’s lots others “in line” ah well, things arrive on the right time yes? So it’s ok  🙂

 

PS Fucking loving new season of Game of Thrones

 

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The perfect fit + new anime

Ok, I’ll keep this short, you’ve read my endless lists for things I’d desire in a girlfriend and stuff, well, turns out a long time ago I  met someone who made me see all the things I do NOT want and more recently, someone who showed me many things I DO want,  so based on these 2 persons ( L and M)  and of course, ex-honey lion and Texas girl, I came up with what is the closest idea of this person who can share my happiness and stuff. Notice how I said “share happiness” not “make me happy” cos that’s mah job. ( note the analogy of shapes, if you want a triangle, and date a circle, you are fucked, thus it’s important to know what shape you want/need in the first place) so here, in no special order.

1.- Ready to be in a relationship.

2.- Faithful and into monogamy

3.- Lesbian or true bi it’s ok, not curious gals here.

4.-Protective and kind not controlling (ain’t nobody got time for nagging)

5.- NON weed smoker, no drugs actually, thanks.

6.- Beer and Wine are a total and welcomed pleasure to share and enjoy

7.- Definitely sexually aggressive, into kinky stuff if possible *grin*

8.- Fun AF, who likes weird movies, anime, videogames, reading, ya know.

9.- I don’t mind what she eats as long as we respect each other and all that

10.- Well, yes, cute.

11.-  Weird and romantic

12.- Happy with herself, open and true,duh needless to say smart.

I think the shape would be something like this :shape

 

NEW ANIME TO WATCH THIS SUMMER OF 2017

Jigoku Shoujo yoi no togi !! Are you kidding me? I almost fainted when I saw the trailer for this one, I LOVE JS!!

New Game!! : I like the manga and the first anime, they play, so of course.

Gamers: An anime about gaming club? I’m in

Sin: Nanatsu no Taizai Zangeroku: Deadly sins and fallen angels, ecchi but fun as hell and all over the place, hai!

Netsuzou Trap : Ugh, I dislike the “bi girl cheating” plot but, it’s kinda yuri and the animation looks fine so..we’ll see.

Kakeguri: A bunch of manipulative bitches? Sign me up.

 

This is all for now, I am watching Dragon Ball Super cos I haven’t, it’s good, I am pleased.

 

 

 

 

Pasajeros, este es el fin de la ruta, desalojar vagones por favor.

Si no lo sabían, los pasajeros en un tren, es mi analogía preferida para las ideas y creencias que habitan en los distintos vagones, (tomar como referencia la expresión inglesa “train of thought”) bueno pues estos han ido saliendo y permitir la entrada de los nuevos, pero faltaban aún los del último vagón, ese que no pelo mucho pero se asoman a joder, entonces, no estoy segura cuantos faltan ni nada pero al menos varios se han retirado amablemente.

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Unos listos a salir, unos cómodos en el viaje.

La mayoría estaban relacionados directamente con quien soy para mi, quién soy para los otros y si eso estaba “bien” o “mal”, o sea , el super yo diciendo “deberías esto, deberías lo otro” ,obviamente desde mi turning point a los 31 todo esto ha ido cambiando, lenta y rápidamente.

Hoy, ahora, a esta hora precisa de la tarde 12:38 del día 6 de junio de 2017 puedo decir que estoy en paz con varias cosas que me causaban aún conflicto.

Estoy bien con el hecho de que (usualmente) me interesen las chavas más jóvenes, sigo siendo firme creyente de que la edad es un factor, no la totalidad de los factores a la hora de cuantificar la madurez, si bien tiene que ver, la gente puede ser palurda a los 28 tanto como a los 23 como a los 41. El aceptar esto implica la subsecuente crítica y comentarios de otras personas, that’s fine too.

Estoy en paz con el hecho de haber elegido una vida poco convencional (vivir con mi madre después de los 20’s, trabajar en algo que los demás no consideran “serio”, “estable” o “seguro”, no tener interés por lo que socialmente se define como deseable, estable, adulto. Esta aceptación implica el saber que podría recibir comentarios o cuestionamientos, está bien también. Ej. no me interesa comprar un carro o una casa.  Trabajar desde casa es lo que me hace feliz.

Tampoco me gusta la playa, no la odio como antes odiaba todo pero no me interesa ni el mar ni tomar el sol ni nada de eso, y es una unpopular opinion, pero tengo muchas de esas y es parte de mi.

No me agradan las fotos, ni salir en ellas, ni tomarlas como recuerdo,  y eso está bien.

Otra nueva es… el hecho de que tenga sentimientos de tipo romántico por alguien, que me guste en su persona y físicamente, no está forzosamente unido a que me sienta mal, triste o algo si es que no está conmigo por X cantidad de razones, ninguno de esos sentimientos son “negativos” así que no tendrían porque generar nada así, puedo sentirme bien y feliz estando con alguien pero de igual modo me siento bien y feliz así esa persona se haya retirado por el momento (o longer,you can never know) creo que de eso habla la gente con la autoestima y el amor propio, you are already happy, some people make you even happier, but you don’t *need* them as you need, say water.

EDIT: Casi lo olvido, también está bien que me reserve el contacto visual, ya no es porque me de miedo que la gente vea que soy una bombona sentimental en reality, pero me gusta keep it special, cuando mi kokoro dice “miau”

Está bien que las cosas que son importantes para mí no lo sean para los demás, y viceversa. Algunos pasajeros se van a re-acomodar, otros no,  está bien, todo sigue en cambio y revolución.  Ya veremos que pasa después.

 

 

Mind over matter

So, I can somehow easily overdo things, and go to extremes, been there done that a lot, I am finding a healthy middle point for many things in my life, I’m still struggling with food and that is what this post is about.

Keeping track on what you eat and nutrition is ok, like minding what you eat, but restricting certain food or, even worse, not wanting to eat this or that cos you can’t weigh it in the moment? Now that’s a bit too obsessive, and in the past I’ve had some issues with that, either slamming down 15-20 tacos in a sitting. 3-4 liters of soda, this of course has made me a bit wary and then I just stopped it all altogether. I’ve tried many things, paleo, counting calories, not counting anything,some crazy ass diets, some ok diets but boring as fuck, I haven’t eaten toast for years cos I got so sick of it lol.

So, I don’t wanna be all care free and just eat crap, I do work out cos I wanna look good and stuff, aye some vanity there, I see no harm in it, a little bit of course, not posing on the mirror all day long, fack, I don’t even like mirrors xD , I just want to chill a damn lot, thinking about how many calories more I have to eat ( my usual problem is I don’t eat enough,well trying to eat less carbs and being vegan leads to that you see?) heck, sometimes I finish food just cos I “need” X quantity to hit my goal for protein or fat or whatever.  Eating something I don’t wanna eat for those reasons made me think maybe this ain’t good lol.

It was so fucking good to just not mind that, yesterday I had some spring rolls with some sauce and a soda with my gf and everything was fine, I didn’t magically became obese or died lol, so I wanna be able to do that, sometimes just go out and eat stuff with people or alone or however, without worrying so much.

I will switch to this plan the vegetarian nutritionist gave me, it’s based on “equivalencies” , so 1/2 cup of legumes is one, a tortilla is one of cereals, etc, it’s still keeping and eye on things but way more relaxed, plus I’m not a real fan of cookies or chips or stuff so it’s all good, I have got me this meal reminder app though, cos I do tend to get distracted and forget to eat, so, will try that, of course gonna keep my 3 days at the gym, aiming to walk at least 3-4 kilometres daily ( modern society has us very sedentary ) and adding the yoga and insanity.

I already feel better, let’s see how this goes.

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