When you throw the coin and it falls on your face later on

..That’s supposed to mean like you tell people something or give advice and eventually you come to fully understand it and see how you are so not following your own words. I don’t know why I used a coin as metaphor..anyway

The thing is this, I used to have these very important things that I wouldn’t tell just anyone, like most people do, but for me those ended up being an anchor, a point to be exploited and something to get angsty over, so I decided to throw it all away, yes, I tried having a boyfriend and being “normal” (obviously didn’t work,I just felt bad cos I did it late in my life rather than early, as it’s more common, but that’s utter bullshit, I hit bottom rock, I really disliked myself the worst so at that point I didn’t give a flying fuck,  I also even ate meat again (mind you ask, this was horrible for me, but I hated me so much, so deep, it suited me well, for being what I was, is what I was thinking) gladly this last part didn’t last long cos I just couldn’t do it and well, that relationship ended and then I lost all the extra weight and some ( I gained around 25 kilos, 55 lbs) , but I still didn’t heal my mind so I had this girlfriend..hmm how to say it.. I thought it was my last chance so I settled for it, I did hit the gym religiously, I was at my lowest body fat ever, was I happy? fuck no.)

I also did drugs, I used to cut myself, hmm, I had a “light” eating disorder, I took medicine for my mood ( dunno name in English haha), I tried not to cry for so long, then I cried a lot, now I can cry easily sometimes and I don’t care, there is not only one way to live your life, I had very complex and interesting shit going on, I own all of it, I’m not ashamed, everyone can know, I’m a damn open book, this is what has been part of me but it’s not what I am now.

Then we move forward to German ex #2 ( I need to come up with better nicknames lol ) well, I wanted to save money to go visit so when I met her I was less fit that when she came visit me, I also ate a damn lot of snacks, was that her fault? Gods no, but it was a clear sign that I needed to fix something within me.  Of course the uncomfortable feeling and the lack of action also led to boredom-eating lol, so I gained..like 9 kilos that time, I’m still shaking them off, it’s been almost 2 years xD

My point is, I told everyone to be good on the Easter long weekend and watch their meals…what did I do? I had way too many beers and had fries too, I really need to do as I tell others, freaking eat before going to to drink, cos then I don’t feel like eating crap AND going out with a set amount of money, not with a freaking card, if I can stick to these precepts for 2 damn weeks I’ll be good for life.

I..think I’m afraid, I am afraid I won’t be able to get back to that fit style I had back in 2014, alas I didn’t have an ass so I wouldn’t trade that haha, but yes, that is what is going on, if I do well with my macros and activity but “fuck up a bit” then I have an excuse to say I’m progressing very slow, or even getting stalled. You see, I don’t believe in heavy calorie restriction, that makes me cringe, so I have 200-400 less calories which I make gym account for, I go 5 days a week, 3 are def more demanding than the other 2, and I aim to walk an average of 9k steps a day, some days I go over 15 some days I barely hit 7k. I’ll add some dance cardio in the mornings, starting with 3 days a week, see how that goes. I am just afraid I’m a wee too old to look as I want, make no mistake, I’m not a shallow fool, I wholesomely believe how one person’s look is a direct reflection on how they are feeling inside about themselves.

So, with that out of the way… I’m sure I’ll be fine.

Dafuq is wrong with this song? I thought it was about like religious stuff or a very energetic girl named Gloria! Nope, bitch was hearing voices in her head  :v

 

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My head is a jungle (jungle, jungle)

Those are actually lyrics from this song… “jungle” by Emma Louise ..saw it on this ad for black opium perfume,anyway it works for my post too!

So a friend is briefly back from Australia, we met with the other 2 friends, I haven’t seen any since this one friend left, she was our pillar, I always said that, while it was nice to see them again…

Things haven’t changed at all in this year, we ended up talking about the very same things, making me remember why I didn’t see them for so long, I ended up drinking way too much ( for what I drink now) cos it was the only way I felt supa comfy and , yeah that’s lame eh, but again, at least I can better understand now why things are like that, so I didn’t get drunk but I did go well pass over my calories.

People say to move on, and let go, when you overeat/drink, I personally think : “Sure, you shouldn’t beat yourself up” but it doesn’t mean you just move on and don’t try to fix it, I went over by 830 freaking calories, so the next day, I ate 630 calories less than what is on my “schedule” this means today I can “save” only about 100, tomorrow another 100 less and then it balances out. Most people wouldn’t do that, but I’m lucky to work at home so I can and I did, this means hitting the gym on Saturday which is totally ok, so now I can really move on with that. Not forgetting what I told my returning friend, most people bore me when I’m sober and I wanna hang out with people I can stand sober.

Even if this means not hanging out at all, please refer to my previous post Say

Me may meet on Saturday, if we do, I’ll bring my own craft beer and have 2 and be done with it. As we speak, well, as I write I’m eating yummy fruit and checking Cinema for tickets for Nanoha movie, but no luck  u.u

Tomorrow shall be a day to watch all the new anime episodes!!

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a NanoFate illustration for no reason at all!!!!

Say

There is a saying, or something of the like, I saw on Instagram, which is pretty much the only social media I use and I don’t even use it like that much, it said “your vibe attracts your tribe”, the closer I feel to my own self and the more I learn about me the less I seem to connect with other people..is my tribe like the invisible one?  Seriously, it’s been like this since I can remember and I’m not specially upset about it, it’s just..it seems like a very weird thing to me.

I like goth and dark stuff you know, I also like cheerful and happy stuff too, I like anime but not to a “way too high this is my life I only talk about this” level, I like games but not on that level either..I guess I like so many things I’m not super focused on 2 or 3, which I like but then I meet people who are super hardcore on one and we can get along through it but to an extent, say, I like working out, I’ve only met this girl who also did, but she is way more nutty about it than me haha, like seriously girl what you on? I know other vegans, but many are a bit too worried about health..I mean, I like being healthy but I don’t run away if I see packaged food, ( like Tofurky, the sausages they make are so good!! plus they have organic stuff in them I dunno what’s the big deal), some won’t even eat soy and that’s …well that’s ok but it’s boring to me so I don’t like those either.

I guess I just wanted to write this cos I do wonder if others have such a mix, I won’t drink lots anymore,nor silly beers, but then I meet people who won’t drink anything or will drink the silly stuff… where is the pretty middle in where I am located? Or maybe this isn’t the middle anymore? Maybe I take so much out from so many things it’s all became a very weird thing.  I’d like to know someone who was more on this “area”. I bet it’d be fun.

I have friends…I just don’t talk to them anymore, I’m not mad or anything..I just don’t see anything that we can talk about

mememath

Me pondering about life

 

Signal

Este título hace referencia a una de mis canciones nuevas favoritas de pop koreano o K-pop pa los cuates,”Signal” del grupo Twice, gracias Telehit por poner esa vaina de moda.

Este iba a ser un artículo en inglés pero noté la abrumadora falta de textos en el idioma español y por eso lo escribiré así. El tema de hoy es la amistad, o más bien cuando esta acaba.

Cuando yo era más joven, era más fácil, mi grupo de amigos era gente con la que me ponía borras ( borracha pues) y otras cosas, las separaciones siempre fueron de tajo y más o menos en malos términos, unos están en la cárcel, otros bueno… he leído mucho y estoy convencida de que la gente llega a tu vida a aportar cosas, para aprender, si bien lo más notorio es cuando son cosas percibidas como “malas” Ej. parejas que te traten de la mierda, para que, después, cuando conozcas a alguien que si que te aprecie lo puedas valorar. Con las amistades es un poco más sutil, o no, mi último grupo de amigas eran, bueno, quejarnos de cosas, beber, alguna que otra cosa más, terminar a altas hora de la madrugada quien sabe donde.

Obviamente fui creciendo y aprendiendo , a más grande la cagada mayor la lección, hasta que hace algunos años, pero específicamente hace unos 6 meses, gracias al esguince del pie ( en serio, fue como un “alto ahí loca, piensa” ) pude tomarme el tiempo de analizar mi vida, pensar, le dicen en Inglés “soul searching” creo que es un término muy adecuado, y mi actual ( ¿o es ya pasado?) grupo de amigas, es como esa canción que sale en los Simpsons “Mi vieja mula ya no es lo que era, ya no es lo que era”

Pueden estar de acuerdo  o no, pero hay niveles en las amistades, el nivel best friend hace mucho está vacío la neta, pero digamos, hice una bonita ilustración con este propósito.

fm

La imagen no es tan buena pero es clara ( “no tan buena” lol )

Nivel 5: El top del top, lo más, mi persona más favorita de la vida, o personas, actualmente no tenemos a nadie ahí.

Nivel 4: Good friends que puedo ver un rato sin que me aburra y sin necesidad de trago o party.

Nivel 3: OK con trago o evento.

Nivel 2: Meh

Nivel 1: Who dis?

Nivel 0: Toda la gente que no conozco

 

No aplican amistades virtuales porque sin Facebook no tengo de esas.

 

Bueno, yo tenía a 2 personas en el 5, pero resulta que si quitas el elemento de party/bebida, sólo quedaba 1, hay 3 en el 4, 1 rayando en 5, y las demás la neta entre 1 y 2.  Creo que las mujeres tenemos muy metida la idea romántica ( e irreal) del “por siempre” por siempre casada, por siempre mejores amigas ( de ahí el famoso BFF) pero… resulta que tampoco es así, yo llevo ya meses sintiéndome culpable, una amiga incluso me dijo “Pero todo lo que han vivido, ¿no las quieres?”

Si, si quiero a algunas algo, pero eso de todo lo vivido…por eso las parejas siguen juntas, por lo que fue y no por lo que es. So..con una sensación de malestar, algo de culpa y una cierta intranquilidad, estoy haciéndome a un lado, esa pieza de rompecabezas que antes iba perfecta ahora ha cambiado de forma, ya no entra más y me he cansado de empujarla.

Veremos que depara el futuro ahora para Nancy. Nancy sería yo. lol

 

party

Nancy’s review of this year

So, the year hasn’t ended officially, but my new year is around the corner, that is October 31,  since I have so many things that happened to me, I’m going to write about them now so they will be quiet and let me do other stuff.

As you know I was dating this person, she didn’t make it into the ex list, for a variety of reasons not to be discussed, so, I sprained my ankle one day before she graciously broke up with me, I pushed her to tell me what was going on..anyway, that of course pissed me off cos wtf woman? Don’t act all nice and shit and then do that, BUT as with all things in life, this came with a lesson, I think the cherry on the cake of a lesson AND a brand new one, so I am very happy things happened as they did after all, cos otherwise.. I wouldn’t be on this new..place? stage? step? level?

Nummer 1: The whole dating thing, I was used to crappyness so whenever I’d meet someone who was less crappy, I found myself thinking “Ah..so people can be actually nicer than X..I see” and each time they were nicer and it just hit me…being super nice and treating me like a god damn princess is the MINIMUM, not the most amazing things I could expect but the fucking given, minimum!! I remember being so happy when I was with L cos she was all nice and shit, like bitch, they gotta be nice and lovely all the damn time, I mean not all the time every waking hour, but it shouldn’t be such a novelty for a gf/person you’re dating, to treat you right and stuff.

That was the part this person who I dated cleared the most for me, I thought I had it but no, I was still settling, much less, but still, I would still try and “be open” and shit just to be ok with someone, well FUCK THAT, I’m super fine as I am and whoever doesn’t like that is welcomed not to and to go away, we ain’t here to fucking adapt to people, this doesn’t mean I hate people again or anything.

The second part..the hardest, with the sprained ankle came a lot of frustration, anger and sadness, cos I was walking more and in general, I like to be able to walk you know? After the influenza I really appreciated the fact of being able to leave the fucking house.  So, I had to slow down, it gave me a lot of time to think…I think how I am doing in my life now corresponds as how I am re-learning to use my feet, my body, say, I got rid of supportive shoes cos I want my feet muscles to work, be strong, be as they are meant to, I, for the first time in my life, finally, came to good terms with the alcohol thing, yes, I did drink more and stuff I don’t even like just to put up with people.

But now, I do love beer, specially craft beer, so I’ll have 1-2 TOPS, and not often, cos that messes up my efforts at gym and tracking my macros/calories (got me a kitchen scale and a bathroom scale, a set of spoons and cups) and it tastes better when it’s less, now I will write it down in a controlled food log and everything is fine.

What about them friends now? Well… I used to see them often, get drunk often (or at least drink a lot) , now as you can imagine I barely see them and I have not got drunk, just at Jani’s party, but that was so much fun, but hangover lasted 2 days wtf. Do other things? Yeah that ain’t gonna happen, we may go to movies now and then, clubbing is out of the question, so is eating cos, bear with me, I KNOW people love eating meat and most won’t ever quit and even as much as I don’t like it I HAVE to accept it, I am done trying to change people, but I’m also done doing shit I don’t like so, I’d not hang out with a bunch of people who love to eat, eating a lot of dead animals, cos that makes me feel weird and I can simply not.

Supportive shoes= excess booze Minimalist shoes=1-2 drinks  that’s how I think it can be compared, of course I’m not still used to the new way my foot do thing, I’m working hard to be strong all over, it’ll be ok, specially now that I know. Another good thing is now I think of my whole body more, I pay more attention when training parts like my shoulders, back, I am more aware when working my legs too, it all just feels much better.

I’m excited about things to come, btw, being a freelancer is really the best, I’ve been tempted to write L just to tell her how wrong she was with that shit about having a fucking boring job to hate cos you can’t do cool stuff and get cash but that’s what people call petty and I won’t, but I’ve wanted to. xD

 

These pics? Just women I think are gorgeous and I THINK they have some similar traits, I’ve come closer to have a type yay! Still gotta properly date an Asian girl tho!

Dating, dating apps and the perfect fit revisited

So, I downloaded this thing called Tinder, yeh ,not for the casual sex sadly, I think that’d be way easier haha, but I don’t like that at all so…

I think there is a major flaw in my approach to this app, or any app perhaps. What seems to be the deal is you match with few people, at least 3? And you go on consecutive dates with them and then you see who you like better, or something.  Thing is I barely have any matches to start with, girls who look for guys have this easier sniff.  My second mistake was to approach this as I have done with all the relationships that started online, so to speak, if we did get to the point of meeting in person, it sorta meant there was already a mutual interest and if a first date went well and more are to follow, you kind of are just gonna see what happens. But it’s not like that on here, in the Tinder world the people you’ve met had met and will meet many others until (maybe) someone really draws their attention, so this should be your scenario as well.

I am not sure I can even do that so… you see, the only reason I have that app is because I don’t really go out, except to buy new workout clothes or to the gym…or on dates apparently. well this year I’ve had exactly 9 dates, 8 with this girl I was dating, duh and 1 on the Saturday, but that’s over too.  Man that’s fast lol.  So that is why I’m using an app cos as much as I like staying in, nice, cute girls won’t come knocking on my door..or will they? Hmm..

Speaking of… I had a list but I think I can trim it down to 10 non negotiable points:

1.- She should really like me and accept me just the way I am, no more no less,no “willing to try out” no, just as it is.

2.- Into monogamy also not a polyamorous person

3.- Lesbian or bi, should like girls more though..way more.

4.-Protective and kind not controlling (ain’t nobody got time for nagging)

5.- NON weed smoker, no drugs actually, thanks.

6.- Beer and Wine are a total and welcomed pleasure to share and enjoy

7.- Definitely sexually aggressive a.k.a a Top, into kinky stuff if possible *grin*

8.- Happy about herself, who loves herself

9.- Cute!!

10.- Loving

 

Ok that’s it, so , I’ll keep using Tinder but seeing as there are many people seeing other many people I shall remember meeting never means anything more than just meeting and stuff,  cos there’s lots others “in line” ah well, things arrive on the right time yes? So it’s ok  🙂

 

PS Fucking loving new season of Game of Thrones

 

when-you-sit-down-in-the-salon-chair-in-your-13869992.png

The perfect fit + new anime

Ok, I’ll keep this short, you’ve read my endless lists for things I’d desire in a girlfriend and stuff, well, turns out a long time ago I  met someone who made me see all the things I do NOT want and more recently, someone who showed me many things I DO want,  so based on these 2 persons ( L and M)  and of course, ex-honey lion and Texas girl, I came up with what is the closest idea of this person who can share my happiness and stuff. Notice how I said “share happiness” not “make me happy” cos that’s mah job. ( note the analogy of shapes, if you want a triangle, and date a circle, you are fucked, thus it’s important to know what shape you want/need in the first place) so here, in no special order.

1.- Ready to be in a relationship.

2.- Faithful and into monogamy

3.- Lesbian or true bi it’s ok, not curious gals here.

4.-Protective and kind not controlling (ain’t nobody got time for nagging)

5.- NON weed smoker, no drugs actually, thanks.

6.- Beer and Wine are a total and welcomed pleasure to share and enjoy

7.- Definitely sexually aggressive, into kinky stuff if possible *grin*

8.- Fun AF, who likes weird movies, anime, videogames, reading, ya know.

9.- I don’t mind what she eats as long as we respect each other and all that

10.- Well, yes, cute.

11.-  Weird and romantic

12.- Happy with herself, open and true,duh needless to say smart.

I think the shape would be something like this :shape

 

NEW ANIME TO WATCH THIS SUMMER OF 2017

Jigoku Shoujo yoi no togi !! Are you kidding me? I almost fainted when I saw the trailer for this one, I LOVE JS!!

New Game!! : I like the manga and the first anime, they play, so of course.

Gamers: An anime about gaming club? I’m in

Sin: Nanatsu no Taizai Zangeroku: Deadly sins and fallen angels, ecchi but fun as hell and all over the place, hai!

Netsuzou Trap : Ugh, I dislike the “bi girl cheating” plot but, it’s kinda yuri and the animation looks fine so..we’ll see.

Kakeguri: A bunch of manipulative bitches? Sign me up.

 

This is all for now, I am watching Dragon Ball Super cos I haven’t, it’s good, I am pleased.

 

 

 

 

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