Mind over matter

So, I can somehow easily overdo things, and go to extremes, been there done that a lot, I am finding a healthy middle point for many things in my life, I’m still struggling with food and that is what this post is about.

Keeping track on what you eat and nutrition is ok, like minding what you eat, but restricting certain food or, even worse, not wanting to eat this or that cos you can’t weigh it in the moment? Now that’s a bit too obsessive, and in the past I’ve had some issues with that, either slamming down 15-20 tacos in a sitting. 3-4 liters of soda, this of course has made me a bit wary and then I just stopped it all altogether. I’ve tried many things, paleo, counting calories, not counting anything,some crazy ass diets, some ok diets but boring as fuck, I haven’t eaten toast for years cos I got so sick of it lol.

So, I don’t wanna be all care free and just eat crap, I do work out cos I wanna look good and stuff, aye some vanity there, I see no harm in it, a little bit of course, not posing on the mirror all day long, fack, I don’t even like mirrors xD , I just want to chill a damn lot, thinking about how many calories more I have to eat ( my usual problem is I don’t eat enough,well trying to eat less carbs and being vegan leads to that you see?) heck, sometimes I finish food just cos I “need” X quantity to hit my goal for protein or fat or whatever.  Eating something I don’t wanna eat for those reasons made me think maybe this ain’t good lol.

It was so fucking good to just not mind that, yesterday I had some spring rolls with some sauce and a soda with my gf and everything was fine, I didn’t magically became obese or died lol, so I wanna be able to do that, sometimes just go out and eat stuff with people or alone or however, without worrying so much.

I will switch to this plan the vegetarian nutritionist gave me, it’s based on “equivalencies” , so 1/2 cup of legumes is one, a tortilla is one of cereals, etc, it’s still keeping and eye on things but way more relaxed, plus I’m not a real fan of cookies or chips or stuff so it’s all good, I have got me this meal reminder app though, cos I do tend to get distracted and forget to eat, so, will try that, of course gonna keep my 3 days at the gym, aiming to walk at least 3-4 kilometres daily ( modern society has us very sedentary ) and adding the yoga and insanity.

I already feel better, let’s see how this goes.

Army of me

Not gonna talk about Björk, instead I’ll write about a very real thing.

Have you ever felt like you overthink stuff? That you worry a bit too much about , well hell, things that have not even happened and may not even occur? Have you found yourself second guessing too much?

anx

This has actually happened

Well, you are not alone!! I too have often been found acting like this.

“The next message you need is always right where you are.” ~Ram Das 

I think that is true, and I shall be open and honest, sometimes, just a little bit I find myself falling back into old patterns, you know how I was drawn to emotionally unavailable people, or who were usually cold but now and then would be sort of nice and warm and that made me feel special, cos I did not think I was special enough, for fuck sake, most often I’d feel they were almost doing me a favour. Then I met nicer people but kinda sorta expected them to either suddenly change into colder individuals or simply “get tired of me”. Those times are over, gladly, but I haven’t completely removed such behaviour, I mean,  have you heard about people, specifically women, complaining about someone being “dry” cos they don’t add enough emojis to the conversation? Does it sound like something that makes sense? No it does not, but still, I noticed, from time to time that idea flashes in my head, the good thing is now, after all I’ve learnt from my past relationships, I can sit down and think “Wow dude,see things as they are, without putting on your freaking out she doesn’t like me anymore? glasses” and find everything is absolutely fine,  it’s just that old fear of people liking me a lot only to start to complain a bit later.

BUT HOLD ON, is that my previous partners fault? Maybe I started to be too needy, as a result of said fear, and that also made them withdraw somehow? We ain’t blaming no one here, but if you recognize a pattern that leads you to where you don’t want to be, again, you can take the moment you need to sit straight ( or do one of those yoga positions ) and remember that how you feel is a choice of yours, that you are good enough and worthy, specially if things have been going well? Is there a logical, reasonable reason why should everything just randomly and suddenly go downhill? Not really.

Do not linger in things that were a certain way, yes maybe this one person ended up liking your friends better than you and you never had alone time cos honestly it sucked, yeh maybe this one person tried to change you constantly, sure, this other one just stopped talking to you without notice and left you wondering and feeling abandoned.

Let’s say it this way, what happens is a plain soup, no nothing but boiling water, your emotions and how you see things are the spices you put there, you could add tasty things or a wee too much salt and then you ain’t gonna like it, but originally there’s nothing to like or dislike, it’s just is.  Maybe someone grew up thinking “love is getting flowers” then they get “dissapointed” cos the person they are with, is not a flower giving person, but they show them love in other way.

The new people you’ll meet, or are meeting or getting to know are NOT those people you knew, those people you met were a reflection of what is inside you, so are the new, and you are a different person now, yeah, still some things to tweak but good grief, I am honestly happy, I can now sit and think “Ah, so this is happening, well, I’ll stop it now”

I hope this is of any use to someone out there, and even if not, it really helps me to put it in words.   Remember we all deserve love, and good things, we deserve them, open your heart and accept the good things, the love from others, from yourself, just let it flow through you, for as long as it lasts, as a song says, “Take the beginning with no end in mind” just let it be.

Let it be.

On a small side note, I’ll be adding some Insanity to my workout routine, on NON lifting days of course and either 1 hour meditation 3 times a week or small ones daily or all, not sure yet, gotta take care of my mind, heart and soul as well as my body.

New view on the Bi.

Short title for a short post. I used to be one of those people who had negative connotations about the bisexuality and until recently I had been sort of thinking about it, it’s unfair to discriminate against someone for their orientation, like hello, I don’t feel like having people think weird stuff cos I am a lesbian right? Well, after some talking and lots of thinking, I realized I was biased, guess why? yes a bad experience, ok some few of those, but it’s no different than those guys who think “all women are so mean” or the gals who may consider “all men are pigs and horrible” because in their path they had a less than pleasant ( or more ) encounters with people who they didn’t got along too well.

On the other hand, there is a saying “you have the love you think you deserve”, I suspect it’s true, cos back then when I was a real mess and I despised my very being, well, isn’t it logical to expect I’d meet people who would reinforce this feeling? If you think you are a huge pile of crap, be ready to meet some toilets that will flush you down further, that is until you change your perception and then, almost magically, you will gravitate towards different situations and people.

So, what I try to say is, it’s not like these girls I’ve met were the way they were as a consequence of being bisexual, they just liked going around and most likely they ain’t even truly bi, just catching what’s available ( which is ok just like be honest people lol )

That is why my list of hmm preferred traits on a woman has changed, if she is an honest, sincere, good hearted person that matters, also if she funny and smart and weird ,but you know what I mean.

So ultimately I wanna apologize about the times when I actively refused to even consider dating bisexual women, due to my prejudices and past experiences.

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unrelated..or is it?

 

Breaking free, breaking down

Incoming big rant, beware!!

 

I don’t even know how to start, yesterday was St. Valentine’s day here, I treated myself to a movie ( I disliked it and left after 30 minutes but it’s ok cos 1.- it was free and 2.- I decided never to do things I didn’t wanna do anymore) , had some twister fries and I also went early to the gym and had it all to myself for good 30 minutes, that was the first gift life gave me. Anyways, I was feeling well and these videos I had watched kind of ..we have a saying in Mexico “te cae el veinte” meaning you realise something, like really grasp it. So this happened and I had this relief feeling I had when I was over my ex, knowing everything would be ok ( in that specific matter) and that I wouldn’t have this pressure on my chest again, knowing love happens when it is a good time and when we are ready and that led me to realise… I wasn’t ready before, the persons I had strong feelings for were so not ready either, so it made complete sense none of it worked out, it wasn’t my fault at all, it wasn’t their fault, it wasn’t they being total assholes, it just wasn’t our time and we had to have such encounters for some reasons, I know mine now, don’t know about them.

And I was able to listen to certain songs, (I usually link songs to people so listening to them and feeling weird/uncomfy tells me I’m still not over someone lol) and enjoy them again, it really felt good, and I’m not afraid about that anymore, cos if people are meant to be together they end up like that, is that forever? I don’t know, may be, may be not.

But.. I am still, I don’t know if afraid or just nervous, I am not used to have peace of mind LOL, it sounds so freaking weird to even just write it, but it is true… I once heard about people being ok and creating chaos in their life cos that was their comfort zone, I though “pfff crazy, who does that”… Hi, my name is Nancy, I do that too apparently!  I was feeling all good yesterday yes? I came home and immediately stirred a lil fight just because , I kinda just so easily got mad about something, I even was a bit surprised.

Then I thought more about it, I was offended and mad cos it seemed TO ME , that everyone else wasn’t as freaking happy as I was, why wasn’t everyone all nice and happy? how dare they!? Were they even not as happy? Seriously, I was also happy cos I got paid for a job, I had more on the go, I was working out, getting over stuff and yet I felt this wasn’t impressing my family…do I need them to be all amazed for things I do? Isn’t it enough that I am super excited? Apparently not, cos let us remember deep down, ok not so deep, I do feel I wanna do my part, for all the time I didn’t, kinda wanna make it up, no one ever asked me, no one is demanding that, I imposed that on myself, but if I remember the videos now, everything happens the way it has to happen, I am doing something I like, I just somehow still need the others to be ok with it as well.

I got mad at a friend for saying “exercise should be only for health” , it got me so offended!!! I said it was ok to work out to improve ourselves, to look better, she said why? what for? I couldn’t possibly believe someone didn’t want to look better,by working out. So I of course felt offended even more so when she was saying our body is perfect and blah blah, yes it is, I do know the difference between working out cos you love your body as opposed as because you hate it.  It is of course the best to work out cos you like to feel strong, to appreciate muscle outlines, to lift random shit without help, so you can sprint to the bus in a blink. But…some people do not want this, they really don’t and why is that a problem for me? It does not affect me…until the moment I feel attacked cos honestly all I read into what my friend said was “It’s ok to be fat and lazy and eat shit” yes that’s all my mind got from it. I do not think women should starve on stupid diets or feel bad about their body either, but then we got the “we all beautiful” and some people weigh more than 150 kilograms and feel “good”.. it’s, I just can’t. Maybe cos I remember why I ate so much and drank so much, I was the unhappiest I’ve been, I truly hit the peak of hating myself and everyone else, I really have to make my peace with it.

I was fat cos I ate a lot of crap, for fuck sake I even ate meat for a while again, I truly can’t begin to describe to you how much more I despised myself because of it. Then that relationship ended, then I started to get back into shape, then I made some more poor decisions, then I still changed to make someone else happy, just not as much, then I settled…then I had the courage to end a relationship for the first time in my life.  Then I thought I found love but it wasn’t that, I think I met my ex so I could redeem the whole country of Germany, some other day I may tell you about that, but I can assure you nothing feels like going back to Hameln in a totally different situation, remembering places I had been in before, but with someone who couldn’t stand me. And it was our last good day, so, that really was a good way to sorta get over that whole Germany thing.

Anyhow this is mostly a rant and I don’t expect people to read it all, but I must let it out, I have to be aware that it is ok to be at peace, it is ok that nothing is wrong and no one is attacking me, I am sure no one cares a lot about whether I work out or not, if I count calories or not, and if they do, well it’s none of their business as it’s none of mine if they wanna workout for health only.  I will keep the Whatsapp away until…maybe Friday night, when I feel better haha, I am also not used to have so much social interaction, and it’s ok, it’s not something I wanna change, just, gotta chill and ignore stuff and not get into trouble.

I am glad I can recognise this and change it as quickly though, not like before when it took me years or months . good grief. PS I do like being healthy .

i-dont-excercise-to-be-healthy

Blow your mind

I am blowing my mind right now, Gods that sounds awful…but the upside of keeping to oneself is that you get to reflect upon your life and actions a lot, especially after you fuck up and lose someone, I do not say this in the traditional sense of “OMG what did I do wrong, I gots to fix it to get this person back!” Cos that is temporary, like cutting the weeds, I must instead look into the roots, the soil, otherwise the same problem or a similar one will just be there waiting to arise.

So, me being me, have started to read daily, ponder about life, meditate a bit, etc all those things that seems silly but actually do help a lot to clear the mind, you’d be surprised how much you can learn from not thinking,just not overthinking, not imagining things, just focusing on the moment and what do you want but, and this is key, not expecting anything to happen. I’ll provide links for more comprehensive articles about this but basically you give it your all to the things you do want, if they are meant to be then they will happen,come, come back, etc, if not, you are not expecting those things to occur in order for you to be happy, you can be happy while working for things you want, whether you get them or not.  For example, I do want to look super hot, sometimes I’ve got a bit fixated on the idea, cos the traces of being fat are a reminder of the time I was the most unhappy, I understand that, so what I think now every time I start to worry about it, I say to myself “Chill Nan, that takes a while, just enjoy being healthy enough to workout, eating well and one day you’ll look at the mirror and see amazing changes” and I do that whenever I am being silly. Works wonders!

Modern life teaches us to get a job, a career, to get more, more a dream lovelife, it gives us expectations and ideals, I’m not saying we just lay there and nod at what we have but, if we don’t like something, we may as well change it. Doing the same things and thinking it will bring different results is a definition of insanity, so, what I did was to sit tight and realize what I don’t like, example, being clingy, to ideas, to people, to goals, etc. Cos being like that makes me worry, which makes me insecure which makes me overthink, see how it goes? That is what led me to develop that mild eating disorder back then… Make no mistake, this used to be soooooo bad for me before, I was really really really clingy and insecure, it got better but this is the moment when that changes cos I honestly and sincerely got affected enough by losing this person, it was a wake up call, like a slap in the face with an iron goblet.  Do I want to talk to her again? Fuck yeah, but I am not expecting that to happen, if it does it’ll be awesome, if not well, I learned something invaluable. I am as of now living a freer life, can I say “freer”? it sounds weird AF.

The difference is that I am not doing this or changing this or learning new stuff just to “fix” things with a single, specific person,  I am doing this cos I do not like that part of me and cos my life is being much more better now that I practice this, hmm how to call it.. This approach.  I’ve felt peace of mind and all that, it’s really nice.  I’ll be 34 years old soon and a better me, how fucking awesome is that?

The song is unrelated to the subject but related to the title, it’s my new gym tune, along of course with “Shake it off” by Mrs. Swift.

So, enough self- reflecting today, will write later about pansexual people and all those weird things that seem to be on trend nowadays.

 

 

Ooopsie, I forgot to add the links, well this is the one I read most recently , Stop obsessing with what you want, there’s a lot more,  don’t think I go around giving flowers and sunshine in the streets lol, but I do cherry pick stuff that seems good for me, from all ideologies.

December and another age year is here

Kuuuh, I have the feeling 99% of people writing blogs have an entry for December/Holidays/New Year… my new year has passed, but still I do not ignore 2017, that’d be impractical and a bit weird… But this is more about me birthday, which is as everyone should know and remember, on the 22nd.

I used to hate Xmas cos no one remembered my b-day or it wasn’t relevant enough cos baby Jesus > baby me. It made me laugh to write that…I do not hate it at all anymore, but don’t expect me to sing them jingles eh. Anyway, I like to take this time to reflect upon my actions and my self, actually any moment is good, ESPECIALLY when showering, dat water makes all feel mystical and inspiring somehow. This is like the big one though, I’ll stop being 33 and pass to be 34… wow that sounds old, still in my heart I think I’m around 27-28 and thank heavens I also look around that age, don’t take me wrong, growing older is cool AF, but due to various reasons I feel I deserve those years “back” so to speak.

This was the year when I really started to connect more with myself, which somehow lead to me going out the least in the last 4 years, I like that to be honest, keeping to myself and mostly remaining home/going to gym. Oh yes I also fell off the gym wagon hard and got on it harder, that sounds so bad… I also met some wonderful people, I had a strong connection with someone that, at least for a while, won’t be around no more, maybe never again, nonetheless she helped me to change once and for all some behaviours that I had been dragging from my past and happened to give me one of the best birthday gifts ever to exist, you can see it on my Instagram, which of course you don’t know about but let me show ya

¡Gato!#catbracelet best birthday gift EVER ❤

A post shared by Nan (@katzedernacht22) on

 

So, as a first timer for me, I won’t just put it aside and not wear it cos this, what we had may be over for good, the intention when it was sent was for me to like it and I love it and I will treasure it for what it is, an awesome cat bracelet from someone who means a lot to me.

Speaking of keeping things, I am wearing the softest cotton boxers ever, that my ex left here, I also learned a lot from that one, mostly that I wouldn’t change to please anyone no more and I can’t just dish soft clothing so… most of the other stuff is gone though cos I decided that’d be the best and it was.

I also learned to put in practice the whole “letting go” thing, it is a bit easier said than done , as most things are but, it does bring peace of mind, it also exposes human flawed logic, trying hard not to lose someone and suffocating them will usually result in the exact opposite result as it would have to seem obvious but apparently it wasn’t, well not for me, now it is, I feel I finally got it and I just took that sack of worry off my back and build a little castle and let it sink in a lake..which is a metaphor.. I’d love to go to a lake though.. but you know what I mean right? This applies to other aspects in life as well, cling to money and be cheap and it’ll seem not to last as much, worry a lot about being fat and you’ll struggle ( cortisol is to blame too, you know that hormone..well it’s not nice!)

I spend much less time at the computer too, mostly cos it makes this freaking noise now and then… but that’ll stick, it is nice to have other things to do in the morning to be honest, sometimes gym, sometimes cooking, oh that too, I got back on the reading wagon, well that’s always been on and off, but now it’s ON, just today I read 70 pages off “Summer Knight” by Jim Butcher, yes it’s not so impressive but woot!!

Those cats are there cos… reflexive winter and cats,why not?

What else… well those things are major for me hehe, oh right, I’ve had this job for..what? 6 months now? at the chat support and I’ve landed some pretty cool side jobs, like transcribing these interviews, $200 made! I ended up crazy but so happy I can pull that off and not have to do it on a daily basis, we shouldn’t have to kill ourselves and drain our souls to live, there’s gotta be more to life than that and hell I am finding out about it!!

Well, got cool new music as well and I think I won’t worry about holiday’s weight gain cos.. I don’t ever really attend parties or meetings or posadas or anything…like at all, so how on earth could I over eat? and what? nothing is vegan except the special dinner we order haha, so hooray for me!

Hope you all learned a lot too and put into practice things as well, I wish you the best and to have nice moments with your loved ones and stuff.

elhorror

Totes happening to everyone else ha!   :p

 

 

Stray kitty, collared kitty.

No, it’s not a new kinkier version for the famous rhyme “soft kitty, warm kitty” .. It would be nice though haha.

I have the urge to write about this cos today the people that I talk to ( online cos, you know, I don’t do social things too much,certainly not daily ) have showed me how much a wrong impression the general public has about BDSM, ( thank you 50 shades, thank you so much )

I’m not an expert nor do I know all about it, actually.. I am quite alternative when it comes to that, as with all the things in life it seems wonders why is she so peculiar, anyway, this came up cos in this chatroom I go to, someone was flipping about how fucked up it was, how gross it was and how much people tried to normalize “abnormal things”.. Excuse me, years ago homosexuality was still considered as mental illness.. one would expect that within a minority, people would at least try to understand or do as I do, I may not like something, and boy there’s so many things I do not like, but I still respect people and their ideas, in some cases it’s most like I tolerate them but, pffff.

So I tried to figure out why this person was so affected by it, I don’t think it could affect me, what someone else does with their fucking lives, much less would I have the need to question what makes others feel good, better. I failed cos this person just had this idea of people in this kind of relationships drawing blood all the time and walking off cliffs on command. ( I don’t doubt there are some people like that, but it’s not the majority cos then everyone would be freaking dead and there’d not be a BDSM community at all lol )

In any case, the other people seemed to agree,so I better quit the topic. But it was a bit disappointing to know how close minded we are as a collective to this date.

What I liked is that I am being lucky enough to be able to explore and enjoy this part of me that I hadn’t been able to, because I hadn’t met someone who could fit the role for me, I’m not a total submissive person so it would have to be someone who liked some feistyness grins . So, this person, we shall call her Hoho-sama for the time being, is just prrrfect for it, and the best was it just happened, no ad in kinky sites, no kinky chat either just, a regular lesbian chat and a fateful night. I don’t think I’d like to go back to be a stray, having someone that really cares and gives you attention and enjoys spending time with you is really the best, when you are just a stray people may give you shallow attention and think it’s amusing to play the whole “ah she says meow, I’ll play along”  thing for a bit, but they don’t really get, well I’m not sure what owners get, but I’m sure they must get some special joy out of it. Plus I’m lucky she doesn’t like sharing and that things are pretty good but nothing super extreme, which is ok for those who like that!

In case you wonder, I like playing kitty cos..meow, I love cats, always had, and we humans are animals, so I’m merely borrowing traits from other species, no I am not into furry nor do I think I’m a freaking actual cat.  Cats can be so soft and sweet, but also feisty and they are blunt, they don’t like you, they go away.

All in all, in this point in my life I am happy things are like this and I am looking forward to keep experiencing it and learning even more about myself in the process.  Thank you Hoho-sama I’ll make sure I keep meeting your standards!!!

 

yndsovq

 

 

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