Ich steh mitten in der Mitte

So, I have had 2 amazing weeks regarding myself, let me tell ya

I’ve been learning more Italian,meaning I dare to speak/write more even if it can be sbagliato, I try nonetheless, also I am getting all sorted out for my honeymo..eh trip to Japan (*-*)  haha,ehm, but the biggest breakthrough was this:

Last weekend, I had only 1 beer on Saturday and one on Sunday, this means my priorities are clear and strong.

This weekend, I had 2 and a half, on mom’s celebration and a sip yesterday, which leads me to the next point, the monthly veganfest was held here,as usual, but instead of eating all the things, I chose wisely, I had this maniac green leaves burger and that kept me filled almost all day, I had an amazing tamal with veggies inside, a matcha frappe and for dinner a mini pastor pizza and 2 YES TWO melon pans , the best is I got food for today!! An onigiri I will eat before gym and empanadas, also before gym!

So I’m on the right track regarding priorities, planning meals, and enjoying without overdoing it. To be honest, I want to be as lean as possible before my trip, so I can enjoy with more freedom there haha.

Plus I’m going to the gym on Saturdays now too, so that makes me feel like making smarter choices, I can feel my obliques now, even if the belly is still there, progress is progress!

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Freelancing and other things

Such a creative title, whoa so much power… lol well it can’t be helped, first I want to talk about my experience being a freelancer,  specifically working in UpWork (previously Odesk)

I started when a friend told me about it, I had jobs before you know, costume shop and others, but usually I couldn’t deal with less than nice comments or the stress so I, more than once, literally left running in tears… I knew I wasn’t good adapting to society and shit, but was this a sentence?

Fuck no, working from home was IT, I didn’t use my account much to be honest, that was hm 1 year and a bit ago, I just did what he suggested me, apply to EVERY job that caught my eye and wait, eventually I managed to get some very cool ones, ah cos let me tell you, besides the jobs that let you choose your own pace and you just have to meet the deadline, there are some that require a fixed schedule, those are a no-no for me, one of the things I like most about freelancing is that I am not chained.

I only choose those where I can freely decide if I want to speed like a maniac or take it easy.  Now, they all pay in dollars, I live in Mexico, so even low paying ones are so much better than a regular job here, the last in-person job I had paid something like, 2,200 pesos per 15 days, so 4,400 a month, IF , and I want to make this clear, IF they paid whole, cos you had to rush to bathroom and to eat if you wanted to keep your “bonus” , with one of my recurring jobs, the porn one, the one I like the most, with a single batch of descriptions I make that much, it takes me between 3 and 5 days, and it’s maybe 15 hours? 18 tops. The other job was 6 hours daily, Saturdays too. So you can see which one is the best!

The best part is I don’t have to go out lol, the second best part is da payment, is usually handsome! I also get small things, like for 5,10 dollars, but all counts! the third best thing is you get to do a lot of different stuff, I was only doing translations till I decided I was good enough coming up with shit as not to try “creative writing”, from casino reviews to health articles, it’s so much fun.

Some transcriptions too, some subtitle making, it’s cool to learn new skills on the go and if you don’t like something much, or someone, you just finish and never talk to them again, it’s dead easy.

Of course, sometimes I was a bit worried, when the next job would come? the next payment? which by the way is solved with the applying to all approach, last week I did NOTHING, this week, I had some subtitle translating for a language learning website, rushed porn, cos they needed it fast and an article on wellness. I managed to finish it all, it was super stressful yes, I am demolished, yes, but this happens every 2 weeks or so, I usually take it easy and have 1-2 projects at the same time at most. So, we can say I supa work 3-4 days a month, chill work about 7 and the rest is vacation. I’d say I’m winning in life. Some people are maniac all week long… -shivers-

This may not be for everyone, cos it’s not a “certain” thing, but I prefer to sometimes wonder than to feel chained with my life drained doing shit I hate. Of course some people love the job stability and to climb ranks, that’s good,  I am not saying it’s bad, it’s just not for me, so I’m happy that there’s different options for people like me.

Now on the other things that I mentioned in the title :

Back pain, I don’t know what you think about it and this is my blog so, regardless of what you think I’ll write what I think, lol.

There’s many books, ideologies and belief systems that claim that physical pain usually has an emotional cause, which I agree, why? Well, because, for example, when I sprained my ankle last year, I hadn’t had a sprain in like, 15 years, so why in that moment? I was again conforming in a relationship that didn’t make me happy cos it didn’t give me what I needed/wanted, the part of your body that gets you moving and points direction is your feet right? Well, after this incident, I had a lot of time to talk and it’s when I made some major changes, (again) in my life, so in the end, not being able to walk as usual, gave me the tools to decide in which way did I want to go with my life, relationships,etc.

So, a few weeks ago I had a contracture on my back, it was pretty annoying and bad, now, you know I tend to worry too much and think too much…most people get stiff necks when worried ne? Apparently for me is my back and a very particular spot, also sitting here for like 14 hours isn’t good at all,yes I was working but also, also, they asked me to have like 100-150 descriptions made by the 11, I decided, for myself, to have it ALL done by yesterday (the 10th for them) so that was my own decision. Anyway, the pain is back a bit, but it’s different, it doesn’t hurt to breath, which is awesome, so I’m debating between going to gym, getting it checked or staying here, resting 3 days and going back on Monday, since it’s upper body day today, so back,chest, bicep, triceps and shoulders.

I still worry sometimes yes, about for example, not doing well enough at gym, by the way, I changed weight in some exercises, less weight but full ROM, which is GOOD and works muscles better. I guess sometimes I still get impatient, but alas! I can see a bit of hamstring popping out now, so, this whole eating and lifting seems to the be key to being hot lol

I am not really worried about my trip anymore tho, I mean, I get nervous cos wahhhh, we’ll meet and omg! but I’m really looking forward, ah I should get my passport next week or so ,anyway that part is good I think.

I think I’m supa far from perfect, but we aren’t on earth to be perfect, we have to eat and we poop for crying out loud xD, we can improve every day tho  🙂

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What is love? baby don’t hurt me

No more.

LOL, I just wanted to write that down at least once this year.

Anyway, I was thinking, as usual, so I had to stop my horror movie to write cos otherwise I can’t focus, ah the joys of a busy mind! I was thinking about what we, humans, think love is, specially romantic love and how most beliefs are actually detrimental, even toxic.

I wanted to read about it and I did a quick research, mostly a common mistake was to think you have to endure, to be with your partner no matter what, second is wanting to change the person into what you want instead of loving them as they are.Third was thinking “if I love this person they will change and be good and solve ALL their problems”.

I really like that quote from this Mexican movie “el amor no debe ser sencillo pero si tiene que ser fácil”/”love doesn’t have to be simple but it has to be easy” which is like, sure love can be complex, since we are complex human beings (tho, sometimes we over-complicate things, that happens too often ) , like, apparently relationships have stages and at some point you will have misunderstandings, that I can understand, but I don’t think things really have to or will eventually include like a big fight, I think maybe we are a bit too inclined to expect “bad” things when dating, sure, maybe it’s not a ride on a cloud always and perpetually but… wouldn’t it be better to be with someone who makes you feel like the biggest fight you are going to have is about choosing a color for the kitchen?

Someone you truly accept, love and respect, who doesn’t want to change you and who acknowledges both of you have flaws but that is fine and both of you will continue growing as individuals and as a couple? Maybe the mistake lies in thinking a relationship will fill voids we haven’t filled ourselves yet, if you keep pouring cement in a bottomless hole it will never be full. So, as I say lately, gotta really love yourself to be able to open honestly to this, we all carry scars, demons, but we deserve and should be only with the person who can love us as we try to love ourselves (and them) and to keep on healing. If you are really honest with you and the other person from the start I think the chances for things to go downhill are pretty slim to none.

So my point is, maybe we are too used to extremes, either it’s this fantasy love story with people running to stop flights or it’s a lot of fighting sprinkled with some “ok” moments. “love hurts” fuck it doesn’t! that ain’t love, “love conquers all” well, that attachment we feel and our own stubbornness is different to the fact of love naturally finding a way, forcing things means that’s not the good one.

I think it should be some real, true, romance, with fun, seriousness, support, where you can be yourself, get mad too, get sad, but never having that as an excuse to hurt the one you claim to love.

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L O V E

1800 calories to be happy

Today’s post has surely a catchy title, this isn’t a new trend or even my calorie intake, it is the name of an awesome book, that I hope to finish today, if you wish you read it check this out buy the book here . It tells the story of a nutritionist, his famous clinic that has been having awesome results and a series of patients there, it deals with anorexia, bulimia, mistaking food for love and similar things, but mostly it reminds us that the real problem we have when we have some sort of problems related to food, are problems with other people and ourselves, it’s never just the food and weight itself, it’s also about your self image, self worth, the will to live, etc. I absolutely love it and I think it’s one of the most pleasant reads I’ve had lately.

On that note, I love to read,I think it’s my favorite activity, yet I haven’t taken the time, I can’t say I didn’t have the time, yeah I work but I’m blessed to be a freelancer and work from home, I do go to the gym but I go when I find it most convenient, so there’s no real time restriction here, I decided to take back those things that I love but for some reason I’ve left behind, this is how people lose themselves I think and I am just sorta finding me so I won’t let that happen. So I plan to be the book monster I used to be, I got more than enough material right here since I pampered myself and bought about 10 books last year and some are fucking thick.

Now on the main reason of this post, I think I’ve written about wanting to be in shape and going to the gym in a more consistent manner, but till this month I haven’t felt it was all in order, let me tell you what has happened or changed:

  • It finally sunk in my head that I really need to eat at least 2000 calories, if I want those gainz, also I learned, the more I eat (within reason and nutritious food) the more energy I have so it’s sort of self promoting.
  • It’s been 3 successful weeks in completing my programmed gym schedule,more on this later.
  • I’ve also been successful in stopping doing things that deter my progress and making smarter choices.
  • I’ve gotten much stronger than I’ve never been when lifting!

Ok, on the programming, I used to have the “all or nothing” mentality yeah? even feeling a bit guilty when I couldn’t go to gym for any reason, I learned to let go of that when I had a minor contracture in my back and I HAD to rest and nothing terrible happened.

For example this week, for some reason my cramps have been really bad, can’t even sleep, really painful this time.  It must be the bad energy coming out, so, this time instead of laying motionless in my bed, I decided to enjoy, I took the time to read properly, for hours, I did my best to walk inside the house, I’ve read it’s good for blood flow and what not and also cos I told myself I wanted to be a more fit, active person overall, not just inside the gym, it’s both a favor and a duty, I want to feel and look good, don’t let anyone tell you you are shallow or vain for wanting to be fit, it’s a form of self love that reaps benefits beyond the hot mirror reflection, it brings confidence, health, better mood, etc.  Plus it’s a direct reflection of how we treat our only and ony body, I think it’s only “bad” if you impose your ideas on others, but we don’t do that shit ne?

So another thing that changed was this sense of “failure” if you don’t do this or that, I traded that for a healthy self satisfaction for reaching my goals, still being wise enough not to force myself when I’m not feeling my best, yeah some days I’m not as motivated and I go to gym like “bleh” but that’s when discipline keeps you going, when motivation maybe isn’t there. Just in injury or extreme discomfort are good enough reasons not to go,this time for example, I’ve chosen to remain home, still be active and well, the week has 7 days, I think I’ll take my chance to deload, since I’ve been adding weight on my lifts every single week, which is fucking awesome, I now even have a proper log notebook for weights/reps. But every 4-6 weeks it’s wise to train at a lower intensity, so I think I’ll do that, do the same things just use about 70% of the regular weight and focus on the form. Maybe on 4 sets of 10.

I also added a stretching, isometric, short workout on the off-gym days, it feels awesome with them stiff muscles from lifting so heavy, so now I feel like I am truly beginning to be a healthy person, a fit girl, but getting away from labeling food as good or bad, I also lost the “cheat” meal mentality, that somehow makes me think I’m doing something forbidden and bad.

I also drink slower haha, this is good cos it gives my liver time to digest that delicious beer.

So, that’s how much things have changed so far, it’s a damn lot, it’s all good, I am quite happy. Now I’ll go and I hope you all have a wonderful day, night, week.

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When you throw the coin and it falls on your face later on

..That’s supposed to mean like you tell people something or give advice and eventually you come to fully understand it and see how you are so not following your own words. I don’t know why I used a coin as metaphor..anyway

The thing is this, I used to have these very important things that I wouldn’t tell just anyone, like most people do, but for me those ended up being an anchor, a point to be exploited and something to get angsty over, so I decided to throw it all away, yes, I tried having a boyfriend and being “normal” (obviously didn’t work,I just felt bad cos I did it late in my life rather than early, as it’s more common, but that’s utter bullshit, I hit bottom rock, I really disliked myself the worst so at that point I didn’t give a flying fuck,  I also even ate meat again (mind you ask, this was horrible for me, but I hated me so much, so deep, it suited me well, for being what I was, is what I was thinking) gladly this last part didn’t last long cos I just couldn’t do it and well, that relationship ended and then I lost all the extra weight and some ( I gained around 25 kilos, 55 lbs) , but I still didn’t heal my mind so I had this girlfriend..hmm how to say it.. I thought it was my last chance so I settled for it, I did hit the gym religiously, I was at my lowest body fat ever, was I happy? fuck no.)

I also did drugs, I used to cut myself, hmm, I had a “light” eating disorder, I took medicine for my mood ( dunno name in English haha), I tried not to cry for so long, then I cried a lot, now I can cry easily sometimes and I don’t care, there is not only one way to live your life, I had very complex and interesting shit going on, I own all of it, I’m not ashamed, everyone can know, I’m a damn open book, this is what has been part of me but it’s not what I am now.

Then we move forward to German ex #2 ( I need to come up with better nicknames lol ) well, I wanted to save money to go visit so when I met her I was less fit that when she came visit me, I also ate a damn lot of snacks, was that her fault? Gods no, but it was a clear sign that I needed to fix something within me.  Of course the uncomfortable feeling and the lack of action also led to boredom-eating lol, so I gained..like 9 kilos that time, I’m still shaking them off, it’s been almost 2 years xD

My point is, I told everyone to be good on the Easter long weekend and watch their meals…what did I do? I had way too many beers and had fries too, I really need to do as I tell others, freaking eat before going to to drink, cos then I don’t feel like eating crap AND going out with a set amount of money, not with a freaking card, if I can stick to these precepts for 2 damn weeks I’ll be good for life.

I..think I’m afraid, I am afraid I won’t be able to get back to that fit style I had back in 2014, alas I didn’t have an ass so I wouldn’t trade that haha, but yes, that is what is going on, if I do well with my macros and activity but “fuck up a bit” then I have an excuse to say I’m progressing very slow, or even getting stalled. You see, I don’t believe in heavy calorie restriction, that makes me cringe, so I have 200-400 less calories which I make gym account for, I go 5 days a week, 3 are def more demanding than the other 2, and I aim to walk an average of 9k steps a day, some days I go over 15 some days I barely hit 7k. I’ll add some dance cardio in the mornings, starting with 3 days a week, see how that goes. I am just afraid I’m a wee too old to look as I want, make no mistake, I’m not a shallow fool, I wholesomely believe how one person’s look is a direct reflection on how they are feeling inside about themselves.

So, with that out of the way… I’m sure I’ll be fine.

Dafuq is wrong with this song? I thought it was about like religious stuff or a very energetic girl named Gloria! Nope, bitch was hearing voices in her head  :v

 

My head is a jungle (jungle, jungle)

Those are actually lyrics from this song… “jungle” by Emma Louise ..saw it on this ad for black opium perfume,anyway it works for my post too!

So a friend is briefly back from Australia, we met with the other 2 friends, I haven’t seen any since this one friend left, she was our pillar, I always said that, while it was nice to see them again…

Things haven’t changed at all in this year, we ended up talking about the very same things, making me remember why I didn’t see them for so long, I ended up drinking way too much ( for what I drink now) cos it was the only way I felt supa comfy and , yeah that’s lame eh, but again, at least I can better understand now why things are like that, so I didn’t get drunk but I did go well pass over my calories.

People say to move on, and let go, when you overeat/drink, I personally think : “Sure, you shouldn’t beat yourself up” but it doesn’t mean you just move on and don’t try to fix it, I went over by 830 freaking calories, so the next day, I ate 630 calories less than what is on my “schedule” this means today I can “save” only about 100, tomorrow another 100 less and then it balances out. Most people wouldn’t do that, but I’m lucky to work at home so I can and I did, this means hitting the gym on Saturday which is totally ok, so now I can really move on with that. Not forgetting what I told my returning friend, most people bore me when I’m sober and I wanna hang out with people I can stand sober.

Even if this means not hanging out at all, please refer to my previous post Say

Me may meet on Saturday, if we do, I’ll bring my own craft beer and have 2 and be done with it. As we speak, well, as I write I’m eating yummy fruit and checking Cinema for tickets for Nanoha movie, but no luck  u.u

Tomorrow shall be a day to watch all the new anime episodes!!

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a NanoFate illustration for no reason at all!!!!

Say

There is a saying, or something of the like, I saw on Instagram, which is pretty much the only social media I use and I don’t even use it like that much, it said “your vibe attracts your tribe”, the closer I feel to my own self and the more I learn about me the less I seem to connect with other people..is my tribe like the invisible one?  Seriously, it’s been like this since I can remember and I’m not specially upset about it, it’s just..it seems like a very weird thing to me.

I like goth and dark stuff you know, I also like cheerful and happy stuff too, I like anime but not to a “way too high this is my life I only talk about this” level, I like games but not on that level either..I guess I like so many things I’m not super focused on 2 or 3, which I like but then I meet people who are super hardcore on one and we can get along through it but to an extent, say, I like working out, I’ve only met this girl who also did, but she is way more nutty about it than me haha, like seriously girl what you on? I know other vegans, but many are a bit too worried about health..I mean, I like being healthy but I don’t run away if I see packaged food, ( like Tofurky, the sausages they make are so good!! plus they have organic stuff in them I dunno what’s the big deal), some won’t even eat soy and that’s …well that’s ok but it’s boring to me so I don’t like those either.

I guess I just wanted to write this cos I do wonder if others have such a mix, I won’t drink lots anymore,nor silly beers, but then I meet people who won’t drink anything or will drink the silly stuff… where is the pretty middle in where I am located? Or maybe this isn’t the middle anymore? Maybe I take so much out from so many things it’s all became a very weird thing.  I’d like to know someone who was more on this “area”. I bet it’d be fun.

I have friends…I just don’t talk to them anymore, I’m not mad or anything..I just don’t see anything that we can talk about

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Me pondering about life

 

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