Nancy’s review of this year

So, the year hasn’t ended officially, but my new year is around the corner, that is October 31,  since I have so many things that happened to me, I’m going to write about them now so they will be quiet and let me do other stuff.

As you know I was dating this person, she didn’t make it into the ex list, for a variety of reasons not to be discussed, so, I sprained my ankle one day before she graciously broke up with me, I pushed her to tell me what was going on..anyway, that of course pissed me off cos wtf woman? Don’t act all nice and shit and then do that, BUT as with all things in life, this came with a lesson, I think the cherry on the cake of a lesson AND a brand new one, so I am very happy things happened as they did after all, cos otherwise.. I wouldn’t be on this new..place? stage? step? level?

Nummer 1: The whole dating thing, I was used to crappyness so whenever I’d meet someone who was less crappy, I found myself thinking “Ah..so people can be actually nicer than X..I see” and each time they were nicer and it just hit me…being super nice and treating me like a god damn princess is the MINIMUM, not the most amazing things I could expect but the fucking given, minimum!! I remember being so happy when I was with L cos she was all nice and shit, like bitch, they gotta be nice and lovely all the damn time, I mean not all the time every waking hour, but it shouldn’t be such a novelty for a gf/person you’re dating, to treat you right and stuff.

That was the part this person who I dated cleared the most for me, I thought I had it but no, I was still settling, much less, but still, I would still try and “be open” and shit just to be ok with someone, well FUCK THAT, I’m super fine as I am and whoever doesn’t like that is welcomed not to and to go away, we ain’t here to fucking adapt to people, this doesn’t mean I hate people again or anything.

The second part..the hardest, with the sprained ankle came a lot of frustration, anger and sadness, cos I was walking more and in general, I like to be able to walk you know? After the influenza I really appreciated the fact of being able to leave the fucking house.  So, I had to slow down, it gave me a lot of time to think…I think how I am doing in my life now corresponds as how I am re-learning to use my feet, my body, say, I got rid of supportive shoes cos I want my feet muscles to work, be strong, be as they are meant to, I, for the first time in my life, finally, came to good terms with the alcohol thing, yes, I did drink more and stuff I don’t even like just to put up with people.

But now, I do love beer, specially craft beer, so I’ll have 1-2 TOPS, and not often, cos that messes up my efforts at gym and tracking my macros/calories (got me a kitchen scale and a bathroom scale, a set of spoons and cups) and it tastes better when it’s less, now I will write it down in a controlled food log and everything is fine.

What about them friends now? Well… I used to see them often, get drunk often (or at least drink a lot) , now as you can imagine I barely see them and I have not got drunk, just at Jani’s party, but that was so much fun, but hangover lasted 2 days wtf. Do other things? Yeah that ain’t gonna happen, we may go to movies now and then, clubbing is out of the question, so is eating cos, bear with me, I KNOW people love eating meat and most won’t ever quit and even as much as I don’t like it I HAVE to accept it, I am done trying to change people, but I’m also done doing shit I don’t like so, I’d not hang out with a bunch of people who love to eat, eating a lot of dead animals, cos that makes me feel weird and I can simply not.

Supportive shoes= excess booze Minimalist shoes=1-2 drinks  that’s how I think it can be compared, of course I’m not still used to the new way my foot do thing, I’m working hard to be strong all over, it’ll be ok, specially now that I know. Another good thing is now I think of my whole body more, I pay more attention when training parts like my shoulders, back, I am more aware when working my legs too, it all just feels much better.

I’m excited about things to come, btw, being a freelancer is really the best, I’ve been tempted to write L just to tell her how wrong she was with that shit about having a fucking boring job to hate cos you can’t do cool stuff and get cash but that’s what people call petty and I won’t, but I’ve wanted to. xD

 

These pics? Just women I think are gorgeous and I THINK they have some similar traits, I’ve come closer to have a type yay! Still gotta properly date an Asian girl tho!

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Dating, dating apps and the perfect fit revisited

So, I downloaded this thing called Tinder, yeh ,not for the casual sex sadly, I think that’d be way easier haha, but I don’t like that at all so…

I think there is a major flaw in my approach to this app, or any app perhaps. What seems to be the deal is you match with few people, at least 3? And you go on consecutive dates with them and then you see who you like better, or something.  Thing is I barely have any matches to start with, girls who look for guys have this easier sniff.  My second mistake was to approach this as I have done with all the relationships that started online, so to speak, if we did get to the point of meeting in person, it sorta meant there was already a mutual interest and if a first date went well and more are to follow, you kind of are just gonna see what happens. But it’s not like that on here, in the Tinder world the people you’ve met had met and will meet many others until (maybe) someone really draws their attention, so this should be your scenario as well.

I am not sure I can even do that so… you see, the only reason I have that app is because I don’t really go out, except to buy new workout clothes or to the gym…or on dates apparently. well this year I’ve had exactly 9 dates, 8 with this girl I was dating, duh and 1 on the Saturday, but that’s over too.  Man that’s fast lol.  So that is why I’m using an app cos as much as I like staying in, nice, cute girls won’t come knocking on my door..or will they? Hmm..

Speaking of… I had a list but I think I can trim it down to 10 non negotiable points:

1.- She should really like me and accept me just the way I am, no more no less,no “willing to try out” no, just as it is.

2.- Into monogamy also not a polyamorous person

3.- Lesbian or bi, should like girls more though..way more.

4.-Protective and kind not controlling (ain’t nobody got time for nagging)

5.- NON weed smoker, no drugs actually, thanks.

6.- Beer and Wine are a total and welcomed pleasure to share and enjoy

7.- Definitely sexually aggressive a.k.a a Top, into kinky stuff if possible *grin*

8.- Happy about herself, who loves herself

9.- Cute!!

10.- Loving

 

Ok that’s it, so , I’ll keep using Tinder but seeing as there are many people seeing other many people I shall remember meeting never means anything more than just meeting and stuff,  cos there’s lots others “in line” ah well, things arrive on the right time yes? So it’s ok  🙂

 

PS Fucking loving new season of Game of Thrones

 

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The perfect fit + new anime

Ok, I’ll keep this short, you’ve read my endless lists for things I’d desire in a girlfriend and stuff, well, turns out a long time ago I  met someone who made me see all the things I do NOT want and more recently, someone who showed me many things I DO want,  so based on these 2 persons ( L and M)  and of course, ex-honey lion and Texas girl, I came up with what is the closest idea of this person who can share my happiness and stuff. Notice how I said “share happiness” not “make me happy” cos that’s mah job. ( note the analogy of shapes, if you want a triangle, and date a circle, you are fucked, thus it’s important to know what shape you want/need in the first place) so here, in no special order.

1.- Ready to be in a relationship.

2.- Faithful and into monogamy

3.- Lesbian or true bi it’s ok, not curious gals here.

4.-Protective and kind not controlling (ain’t nobody got time for nagging)

5.- NON weed smoker, no drugs actually, thanks.

6.- Beer and Wine are a total and welcomed pleasure to share and enjoy

7.- Definitely sexually aggressive, into kinky stuff if possible *grin*

8.- Fun AF, who likes weird movies, anime, videogames, reading, ya know.

9.- I don’t mind what she eats as long as we respect each other and all that

10.- Well, yes, cute.

11.-  Weird and romantic

12.- Happy with herself, open and true,duh needless to say smart.

I think the shape would be something like this :shape

 

NEW ANIME TO WATCH THIS SUMMER OF 2017

Jigoku Shoujo yoi no togi !! Are you kidding me? I almost fainted when I saw the trailer for this one, I LOVE JS!!

New Game!! : I like the manga and the first anime, they play, so of course.

Gamers: An anime about gaming club? I’m in

Sin: Nanatsu no Taizai Zangeroku: Deadly sins and fallen angels, ecchi but fun as hell and all over the place, hai!

Netsuzou Trap : Ugh, I dislike the “bi girl cheating” plot but, it’s kinda yuri and the animation looks fine so..we’ll see.

Kakeguri: A bunch of manipulative bitches? Sign me up.

 

This is all for now, I am watching Dragon Ball Super cos I haven’t, it’s good, I am pleased.

 

 

 

 

Pasajeros, este es el fin de la ruta, desalojar vagones por favor.

Si no lo sabían, los pasajeros en un tren, es mi analogía preferida para las ideas y creencias que habitan en los distintos vagones, (tomar como referencia la expresión inglesa “train of thought”) bueno pues estos han ido saliendo y permitir la entrada de los nuevos, pero faltaban aún los del último vagón, ese que no pelo mucho pero se asoman a joder, entonces, no estoy segura cuantos faltan ni nada pero al menos varios se han retirado amablemente.

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Unos listos a salir, unos cómodos en el viaje.

La mayoría estaban relacionados directamente con quien soy para mi, quién soy para los otros y si eso estaba “bien” o “mal”, o sea , el super yo diciendo “deberías esto, deberías lo otro” ,obviamente desde mi turning point a los 31 todo esto ha ido cambiando, lenta y rápidamente.

Hoy, ahora, a esta hora precisa de la tarde 12:38 del día 6 de junio de 2017 puedo decir que estoy en paz con varias cosas que me causaban aún conflicto.

Estoy bien con el hecho de que (usualmente) me interesen las chavas más jóvenes, sigo siendo firme creyente de que la edad es un factor, no la totalidad de los factores a la hora de cuantificar la madurez, si bien tiene que ver, la gente puede ser palurda a los 28 tanto como a los 23 como a los 41. El aceptar esto implica la subsecuente crítica y comentarios de otras personas, that’s fine too.

Estoy en paz con el hecho de haber elegido una vida poco convencional (vivir con mi madre después de los 20’s, trabajar en algo que los demás no consideran “serio”, “estable” o “seguro”, no tener interés por lo que socialmente se define como deseable, estable, adulto. Esta aceptación implica el saber que podría recibir comentarios o cuestionamientos, está bien también. Ej. no me interesa comprar un carro o una casa.  Trabajar desde casa es lo que me hace feliz.

Tampoco me gusta la playa, no la odio como antes odiaba todo pero no me interesa ni el mar ni tomar el sol ni nada de eso, y es una unpopular opinion, pero tengo muchas de esas y es parte de mi.

No me agradan las fotos, ni salir en ellas, ni tomarlas como recuerdo,  y eso está bien.

Otra nueva es… el hecho de que tenga sentimientos de tipo romántico por alguien, que me guste en su persona y físicamente, no está forzosamente unido a que me sienta mal, triste o algo si es que no está conmigo por X cantidad de razones, ninguno de esos sentimientos son “negativos” así que no tendrían porque generar nada así, puedo sentirme bien y feliz estando con alguien pero de igual modo me siento bien y feliz así esa persona se haya retirado por el momento (o longer,you can never know) creo que de eso habla la gente con la autoestima y el amor propio, you are already happy, some people make you even happier, but you don’t *need* them as you need, say water.

EDIT: Casi lo olvido, también está bien que me reserve el contacto visual, ya no es porque me de miedo que la gente vea que soy una bombona sentimental en reality, pero me gusta keep it special, cuando mi kokoro dice “miau”

Está bien que las cosas que son importantes para mí no lo sean para los demás, y viceversa. Algunos pasajeros se van a re-acomodar, otros no,  está bien, todo sigue en cambio y revolución.  Ya veremos que pasa después.

 

 

Mind over matter

So, I can somehow easily overdo things, and go to extremes, been there done that a lot, I am finding a healthy middle point for many things in my life, I’m still struggling with food and that is what this post is about.

Keeping track on what you eat and nutrition is ok, like minding what you eat, but restricting certain food or, even worse, not wanting to eat this or that cos you can’t weigh it in the moment? Now that’s a bit too obsessive, and in the past I’ve had some issues with that, either slamming down 15-20 tacos in a sitting. 3-4 liters of soda, this of course has made me a bit wary and then I just stopped it all altogether. I’ve tried many things, paleo, counting calories, not counting anything,some crazy ass diets, some ok diets but boring as fuck, I haven’t eaten toast for years cos I got so sick of it lol.

So, I don’t wanna be all care free and just eat crap, I do work out cos I wanna look good and stuff, aye some vanity there, I see no harm in it, a little bit of course, not posing on the mirror all day long, fack, I don’t even like mirrors xD , I just want to chill a damn lot, thinking about how many calories more I have to eat ( my usual problem is I don’t eat enough,well trying to eat less carbs and being vegan leads to that you see?) heck, sometimes I finish food just cos I “need” X quantity to hit my goal for protein or fat or whatever.  Eating something I don’t wanna eat for those reasons made me think maybe this ain’t good lol.

It was so fucking good to just not mind that, yesterday I had some spring rolls with some sauce and a soda with my gf and everything was fine, I didn’t magically became obese or died lol, so I wanna be able to do that, sometimes just go out and eat stuff with people or alone or however, without worrying so much.

I will switch to this plan the vegetarian nutritionist gave me, it’s based on “equivalencies” , so 1/2 cup of legumes is one, a tortilla is one of cereals, etc, it’s still keeping and eye on things but way more relaxed, plus I’m not a real fan of cookies or chips or stuff so it’s all good, I have got me this meal reminder app though, cos I do tend to get distracted and forget to eat, so, will try that, of course gonna keep my 3 days at the gym, aiming to walk at least 3-4 kilometres daily ( modern society has us very sedentary ) and adding the yoga and insanity.

I already feel better, let’s see how this goes.

Army of me

Not gonna talk about Björk, instead I’ll write about a very real thing.

Have you ever felt like you overthink stuff? That you worry a bit too much about , well hell, things that have not even happened and may not even occur? Have you found yourself second guessing too much?

anx

This has actually happened

Well, you are not alone!! I too have often been found acting like this.

“The next message you need is always right where you are.” ~Ram Das 

I think that is true, and I shall be open and honest, sometimes, just a little bit I find myself falling back into old patterns, you know how I was drawn to emotionally unavailable people, or who were usually cold but now and then would be sort of nice and warm and that made me feel special, cos I did not think I was special enough, for fuck sake, most often I’d feel they were almost doing me a favour. Then I met nicer people but kinda sorta expected them to either suddenly change into colder individuals or simply “get tired of me”. Those times are over, gladly, but I haven’t completely removed such behaviour, I mean,  have you heard about people, specifically women, complaining about someone being “dry” cos they don’t add enough emojis to the conversation? Does it sound like something that makes sense? No it does not, but still, I noticed, from time to time that idea flashes in my head, the good thing is now, after all I’ve learnt from my past relationships, I can sit down and think “Wow dude,see things as they are, without putting on your freaking out she doesn’t like me anymore? glasses” and find everything is absolutely fine,  it’s just that old fear of people liking me a lot only to start to complain a bit later.

BUT HOLD ON, is that my previous partners fault? Maybe I started to be too needy, as a result of said fear, and that also made them withdraw somehow? We ain’t blaming no one here, but if you recognize a pattern that leads you to where you don’t want to be, again, you can take the moment you need to sit straight ( or do one of those yoga positions ) and remember that how you feel is a choice of yours, that you are good enough and worthy, specially if things have been going well? Is there a logical, reasonable reason why should everything just randomly and suddenly go downhill? Not really.

Do not linger in things that were a certain way, yes maybe this one person ended up liking your friends better than you and you never had alone time cos honestly it sucked, yeh maybe this one person tried to change you constantly, sure, this other one just stopped talking to you without notice and left you wondering and feeling abandoned.

Let’s say it this way, what happens is a plain soup, no nothing but boiling water, your emotions and how you see things are the spices you put there, you could add tasty things or a wee too much salt and then you ain’t gonna like it, but originally there’s nothing to like or dislike, it’s just is.  Maybe someone grew up thinking “love is getting flowers” then they get “dissapointed” cos the person they are with, is not a flower giving person, but they show them love in other way.

The new people you’ll meet, or are meeting or getting to know are NOT those people you knew, those people you met were a reflection of what is inside you, so are the new, and you are a different person now, yeah, still some things to tweak but good grief, I am honestly happy, I can now sit and think “Ah, so this is happening, well, I’ll stop it now”

I hope this is of any use to someone out there, and even if not, it really helps me to put it in words.   Remember we all deserve love, and good things, we deserve them, open your heart and accept the good things, the love from others, from yourself, just let it flow through you, for as long as it lasts, as a song says, “Take the beginning with no end in mind” just let it be.

Let it be.

On a small side note, I’ll be adding some Insanity to my workout routine, on NON lifting days of course and either 1 hour meditation 3 times a week or small ones daily or all, not sure yet, gotta take care of my mind, heart and soul as well as my body.

New view on the Bi.

Short title for a short post. I used to be one of those people who had negative connotations about the bisexuality and until recently I had been sort of thinking about it, it’s unfair to discriminate against someone for their orientation, like hello, I don’t feel like having people think weird stuff cos I am a lesbian right? Well, after some talking and lots of thinking, I realized I was biased, guess why? yes a bad experience, ok some few of those, but it’s no different than those guys who think “all women are so mean” or the gals who may consider “all men are pigs and horrible” because in their path they had a less than pleasant ( or more ) encounters with people who they didn’t got along too well.

On the other hand, there is a saying “you have the love you think you deserve”, I suspect it’s true, cos back then when I was a real mess and I despised my very being, well, isn’t it logical to expect I’d meet people who would reinforce this feeling? If you think you are a huge pile of crap, be ready to meet some toilets that will flush you down further, that is until you change your perception and then, almost magically, you will gravitate towards different situations and people.

So, what I try to say is, it’s not like these girls I’ve met were the way they were as a consequence of being bisexual, they just liked going around and most likely they ain’t even truly bi, just catching what’s available ( which is ok just like be honest people lol )

That is why my list of hmm preferred traits on a woman has changed, if she is an honest, sincere, good hearted person that matters, also if she funny and smart and weird ,but you know what I mean.

So ultimately I wanna apologize about the times when I actively refused to even consider dating bisexual women, due to my prejudices and past experiences.

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unrelated..or is it?

 

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