Una mirada alternativa al fenómeno del “clavo saca a otro”

Una entrada bloggera mañanera, why not? Bueno, estaba pensando, para variar, y creo haber descubierto una posible manera en que ese asunto de sacar un clavo con otro, puede tener sentido, funcionar y ser sano.

No me refiero obviamente a cuando la gente se precipita locamente a ciegas, como en alguna película seguramente vieron, que hasta se casan con otra persona, tampoco me refiero al temido “rebound”, del cual yo misma he sido participe, con pésimos resultados por cierto, digan no al rebound pero digan si a no bannearse de la vida.

Ahora les explico, el rebound es, o fue para mi, negarme a sentir las emociones que correspondían a mi mente, alma y cuerpo experimentar, que eran el dolor de esa pérdida que parecía y se sentía tan catastrófica, y al no permitirme esto, me permití distraerme en relaciones con personas que nunca jamás en mi vida hubiera considerado para ni salir, hubiese estado yo bien de la mente.  He analizado esto a profundidad, entre la incertidumbre de “si alguien me podría querer alguna vez”, “esta puede ser mi última oportunidad” y la sensación de no ser “good enough” y por ende conformarme, bueno, pueden ver lo negativo ya mismo, pero uno tiene lo que cree merecer, y en esa época fue así.

Tenemos entonces lo ¿opuesto? No sé si es diametralmente opuesto, pero si es algo totalmente distinto. Creo que existe un turning point cuando nos damos cuenta de que podemos formar conexiones con otras personas ( no el burdo intento de imitar lo que alguna vez hubo con alguien, me refiero a la capacidad real que tenemos de hacer “click” con otras personas en su propio estilo) , de que merecemos amor (del tipo que sea, pero en este caso hablaremos del amor romántico) y apreciación por parte de más personas que esas que se han ido, que también tenemos más dentro para poder compartir con alguien más, las reservas de buenancia y amor que tenemos no se acaban nunca, sólo sentimos que se reducen o estancan pero esto me parece es causado por nuestra mente/ego.

Así pues, al menos para mi, es y ha sido muy sanador el hecho de darme cuenta, de recordar, lo siguiente:

  • Todo pasa exactamente en el momento en el que debe de pasar y estamos listos para ello, lo sepamos o no.
  • Nada del “último tren”, no hay que conformarse por temor a estar “solo”, siempre tendremos a la única persona sin la cual realmente no podemos vivir, si, nosotros mismos, suena super trillado pero es la mera neta.
  • Siempre hay algo bueno a la vuelta de la esquina

¿Puede entonces existir un paralelismo entre procesar una pérdida afectiva y explorar una nueva conexión? Si, sin duda, hace algunos meses yo aún estaba un poco desanimada por ciertos eventos con cierta persona, pero no me cerré a la posibilidad de conocer a otras.  Ambas acciones no son excluyentes entre si.

Bueno, esto es todo lo que tenía que decir, les recomiendo leer el libro “Manual para no morir de amor”, de Walter Riso, es algo duro y seco, pero es como a veces entendemos mejor las cosas, al menos a mi me ayudó mucho, otra cosa es el amor propio y todo eso, que sigue siendo más o menos nuevo para mi, no estoy acostumbrada del todo, pero es lo que me recuerda el hecho de que merezco lo mejor, tú lo mereces, todos y todas lo merecemos. Otra buena lectura, aunque ya un poco más general es el libro de “Usted puede sanar su vida” de Louise Hay.

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True dat

Y recuerden, “Love thyself!”

El peso perfecto

Usualmente escribo en Inglés, pero creo que este va en Español. Suficiente he hablado del tema in English.

So, elegí ese título, porque es el nombre de un programa que me gusta mucho, que in reality, se llama “Super fat VS Super skinny”, pero eso es un mero dato cultural y no es relevante a esta publicación. Lo que si es pertinente es que quiero expresar este cúmulo de ideas que vive en mi y si bien no es que no me deje dormir, si me fastidia pensar lo mismo seguido, entonces lo escribo acá y ya estuvo.

Les voy a contar todo como si no supieran nada, lo cual puede o no ser cierto, es como el gato de Schrödinger, hace más o menos 4-5 años, la verdad no llevo cuenta, intenté ser una persona que no era, pero no al nivel de “voy a hacer esto o lo otro para que mi pareja no esté chingando” ( cosa que también hice but it was the last time), imaginad, que hasta tuve un novio, si anduve con un fulano que fue el..a ver.. la 4ta persona en una serie de rebounds marca diablo después de mi gran evento con la niña de Alemania ( si, esa, la primera) que me dejó como un saco de estiércol tirado en una avenida de leprosos durante una lluvia de ratas portadoras de peste negra. En fin, con todo eso, le entré con enjundia a la comida, for fuck sake hasta comí carne de nuevo, ¿y esto qué? Es y ha sido el mayor acto de self-hatred que nunca cometí, ni cuando me drogaba carajo.  Realmente me despreciaba como no puedo intentar explicar, obviamente odiaba a todos los demás seres humanos del planeta y subí de peso de una manera estrepitosa, 25 kilos más o menos, lo cual por cierto, me hizo darme cuenta de que en verdad uno no se fija en eso hasta que..un día te vuelve a funcionar el cerebro, yo que se, y te ves y dices.. ..¿qué? ¿en esto me he convertido?

Y bueno, terminé esa relación sin sentido, hice dietas locas, pasé por 3 gimnasios hasta dar con el que es actualmente el gym de mi corazón, la verdad es que con tanto tiempo de estar “haciendo ejercicio” yo pensé que ya iba a estar estúpidamente buena, pero no, porque sólo quería bajar de peso por el tremendo asco que me daba a mi misma, y no sólo el asco de tener grasa extra, que ese en verdad no puede ser tan grande como el asco de haber llegado a ese punto, (ahora viéndolo en retrospectiva fue de las más grandes lecciones de vida que tuve, entonces agradecida estoy), pero vaya, incluso sentí la necesidad de borrar varias entradas de este blog porque me ponía un poco triste leer las mentiras y el odio en mis propias palabras, pero que no eran mías…

A lo que voy con todo esto es que han pasado otros tantos años, junto con lo que me gusta llamar mi “remejoría mental” ( …¡joder! tengo revelaciones muy seguido y hay muchas entradas sobre eso jaja, pero bueno ahí están) que ocurrió cerca de los 31 y bueno sigue ocurriendo, porque hasta hace poco entendí que no se trata de llegar a este punto místico y que nada nunca te moleste y nunca la cagues,  porque eso, bueno , eso no es lo que es ser un ser humano, si a lo mejor con el tiempo y conforme vas agarrando ondas, la onda, ya no te enojas tanto, ya no te deprimes 8 meses, etc , pero si sigues teniendo estas emociones, porque para eso está uno acá, para experimentar lo que es vivir y los sentimientos que eso conlleva, el alma así pelona en donde sea que estén las almas no sabe de eso porque ni cuerpo físico hay, entonces, como humanos tenemos esa luz y la sombra no, y yo primero me eche de cabeza en la sombra nada más, luego quise limpiarla totalmente, ahora es que digo bueno, soy una persona más amorosa y más calmada, pero también me cagan ciertas cosas, y estoy bien con eso, porque es como soy, y me amo por todas las cosas que tengo, no sólo “lo bueno”.

Y es hasta este año, que diga, este mes, que si bien amo, adoro ir al gym, cuidarme, verme bien, reflejar por fuera lo bien que me siento ( casi siempre) por dentro, si me siento mal simplemente no voy y ya no me siento culpable, si mi cuerpo quiere dormir 13 horas porque tiene cólicos, pues eso vamos a hacer. Ahorita es cuando más tranquila he estado, ya no me importa si la gente piensa que es raro contar calorías, a mi me cae de maravilla y me da chance de comer muchas cosas, si me duermo a las 9:20 o 10:00 pm también está bien, ya no me desvelo porque me tardo 2-3 días en recuperarme jajaja.

Ah todo esto viene a que hace poco se me botó la choya y estaba yo molesta, porque pensaba que ya había “superado eso” pero no, aún seguiré botándome la choya de vez en cuando y está bien, hay que permitirse sentir todo, vivirlo y luego que se vaya.

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Nazgul on their fellbeasts

 

 

Breaking free, breaking down

Incoming big rant, beware!!

 

I don’t even know how to start, yesterday was St. Valentine’s day here, I treated myself to a movie ( I disliked it and left after 30 minutes but it’s ok cos 1.- it was free and 2.- I decided never to do things I didn’t wanna do anymore) , had some twister fries and I also went early to the gym and had it all to myself for good 30 minutes, that was the first gift life gave me. Anyways, I was feeling well and these videos I had watched kind of ..we have a saying in Mexico “te cae el veinte” meaning you realise something, like really grasp it. So this happened and I had this relief feeling I had when I was over my ex, knowing everything would be ok ( in that specific matter) and that I wouldn’t have this pressure on my chest again, knowing love happens when it is a good time and when we are ready and that led me to realise… I wasn’t ready before, the persons I had strong feelings for were so not ready either, so it made complete sense none of it worked out, it wasn’t my fault at all, it wasn’t their fault, it wasn’t they being total assholes, it just wasn’t our time and we had to have such encounters for some reasons, I know mine now, don’t know about them.

And I was able to listen to certain songs, (I usually link songs to people so listening to them and feeling weird/uncomfy tells me I’m still not over someone lol) and enjoy them again, it really felt good, and I’m not afraid about that anymore, cos if people are meant to be together they end up like that, is that forever? I don’t know, may be, may be not.

But.. I am still, I don’t know if afraid or just nervous, I am not used to have peace of mind LOL, it sounds so freaking weird to even just write it, but it is true… I once heard about people being ok and creating chaos in their life cos that was their comfort zone, I though “pfff crazy, who does that”… Hi, my name is Nancy, I do that too apparently!  I was feeling all good yesterday yes? I came home and immediately stirred a lil fight just because , I kinda just so easily got mad about something, I even was a bit surprised.

Then I thought more about it, I was offended and mad cos it seemed TO ME , that everyone else wasn’t as freaking happy as I was, why wasn’t everyone all nice and happy? how dare they!? Were they even not as happy? Seriously, I was also happy cos I got paid for a job, I had more on the go, I was working out, getting over stuff and yet I felt this wasn’t impressing my family…do I need them to be all amazed for things I do? Isn’t it enough that I am super excited? Apparently not, cos let us remember deep down, ok not so deep, I do feel I wanna do my part, for all the time I didn’t, kinda wanna make it up, no one ever asked me, no one is demanding that, I imposed that on myself, but if I remember the videos now, everything happens the way it has to happen, I am doing something I like, I just somehow still need the others to be ok with it as well.

I got mad at a friend for saying “exercise should be only for health” , it got me so offended!!! I said it was ok to work out to improve ourselves, to look better, she said why? what for? I couldn’t possibly believe someone didn’t want to look better,by working out. So I of course felt offended even more so when she was saying our body is perfect and blah blah, yes it is, I do know the difference between working out cos you love your body as opposed as because you hate it.  It is of course the best to work out cos you like to feel strong, to appreciate muscle outlines, to lift random shit without help, so you can sprint to the bus in a blink. But…some people do not want this, they really don’t and why is that a problem for me? It does not affect me…until the moment I feel attacked cos honestly all I read into what my friend said was “It’s ok to be fat and lazy and eat shit” yes that’s all my mind got from it. I do not think women should starve on stupid diets or feel bad about their body either, but then we got the “we all beautiful” and some people weigh more than 150 kilograms and feel “good”.. it’s, I just can’t. Maybe cos I remember why I ate so much and drank so much, I was the unhappiest I’ve been, I truly hit the peak of hating myself and everyone else, I really have to make my peace with it.

I was fat cos I ate a lot of crap, for fuck sake I even ate meat for a while again, I truly can’t begin to describe to you how much more I despised myself because of it. Then that relationship ended, then I started to get back into shape, then I made some more poor decisions, then I still changed to make someone else happy, just not as much, then I settled…then I had the courage to end a relationship for the first time in my life.  Then I thought I found love but it wasn’t that, I think I met my ex so I could redeem the whole country of Germany, some other day I may tell you about that, but I can assure you nothing feels like going back to Hameln in a totally different situation, remembering places I had been in before, but with someone who couldn’t stand me. And it was our last good day, so, that really was a good way to sorta get over that whole Germany thing.

Anyhow this is mostly a rant and I don’t expect people to read it all, but I must let it out, I have to be aware that it is ok to be at peace, it is ok that nothing is wrong and no one is attacking me, I am sure no one cares a lot about whether I work out or not, if I count calories or not, and if they do, well it’s none of their business as it’s none of mine if they wanna workout for health only.  I will keep the Whatsapp away until…maybe Friday night, when I feel better haha, I am also not used to have so much social interaction, and it’s ok, it’s not something I wanna change, just, gotta chill and ignore stuff and not get into trouble.

I am glad I can recognise this and change it as quickly though, not like before when it took me years or months . good grief. PS I do like being healthy .

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The Girl on the Train

First of all, I MUST read the book, the movie seemed interesting at best, but now… It is a psychological masterpiece, damn I don’t want to spoil it for you all, because honestly, it has a very very intense twist.. I’ll just say abusive relationships can really go so far… mix it with some substance dependency, guilt, regret, remorse and the human tendency to cling onto things, ideals, people, situations, relationships… Yep, we got a winner. Truly, truly well executed, I liked Emily Blunt’s acting before but she really does shine here.

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SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!

 

This is the first time I believe I have a firmer grasp on how much gas lighting can damage people, how cruel it is for the attacked person and how well it works, damn, human psique is surely something.  I can never even begin to question or judge people who has gone through it, because it’s so easy to say “Eh why didn’t you leave sooner” or similar questions, well, we don’t know, because everyone has their own story and we would do well to just listen and be there for them if they want that.

 

Train to Busan

Also known as “Estación Zombie” in Latin america. let me tell you, it’s a big thing we do get Asian horror movies on our cinema theatres, so I was excited out of my head to go watch it.  Asian is not only Japan let me tell you, there’s a lot of countries there, I find Thai cinema particularly interesting by the way, in any case let’s begin with this review. ( Aye, I am a bit of an Asia-fan)

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Train to Busan @ Cinepolis, the only chain here that will show really interesting stuff.

You can see I took the picture outside of the movies, hehe, so, as you should already know Asian horror movies come with feels, lots of them, it’s not just vengeful spirits and curses and zombies and horrible creatures, no sir!  They usually go and tell us about things like how much we rely on our phones ( one missed call ) , how much appearances have become too important ( sick nurses ), of course they tell us about broken homes, vengeance, remorse, etc . This one in particular presents us with …the dad, whose name I of course forgot already, he works a lot, thinks about himself mostly and has no time for his little daughter, his wife left him, I can guess why and the girl wants to go see  her. On her birthday, so the dad agrees to take her on the train, there’s some sort of virus outbreak ( how convenient!) and people get bitten, then infected, you know how that is. But this happens inside a damn moving train, so it was really exciting, it made me think of the first part of Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles actually…

The interesting part is to see how the dad becomes less of a egotistical jerk, there’s a pair of sisters too, somehow elderly, really sweet.. A very selfish business man which I am sure showed the dad the path he was taking would lead him to be like that, how I despised him, still just a human though.. A very awesome super cool strong dude with a pregnant wife, sport young man and sport young girl and of course the kiddo. I do not usually like kiddos, specially not in movies, but Su-an ( may remember it wrong) was relatable for me! She was so sad and scared, sniff.

I cried, a lot, oh gods how I cried. Especially at the end. Dammit.  I also laughed and I also got excited like, cheering for them like “OMG RUN YOU FUCKING IDIOTS RUUUUUN”

So, without spoiling anything, do go watch, get ready to cry, if you do have a heart, otherwise you won’t, hehe just kidding..or am I? Highly recommended.

 

Vlog

I honestly don’t know how aware you are about the fact that I have a Vlog on YouTube, well I made some videos but I left that, now recently, well, someone reminded me about it and I thought  I’d upload some stuff now and then, this video is the first one I am using instead of my normal writing ,  today has been a really interesting day, got some hard news and well I hope sharing this may help others to get on the right track,  there are things I know, but somehow I need to be reminded of, you see? So, best wishes for all of us.

I do look like crap but well, like I said,  long day, the best I take from this though, is the unmatchable feeling of knowing you won’t make the same mistake ever again. Hmm I don’t know how many times I’ve got this feeling, I’m sure it’s about 10… always room to improve huh?

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Keijo!!!!!

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This anime is based on a manga, as many others are, I did read it before but I am finding the anime is funnier and more entertaining, which is very rare cos 9 out of 10 times it’s the other way around. So that says a lot already.

Keijo is a sport, you are on surfaces on a big pool, and you must take down your opponents using only your breasts and your ass. Yes, exactly like that, is it ecchi? Well a bit, what did you expect?  But not enough as to make it stupid and unwatchable for me ( I’m looking at you Rosario+Vampire, odd enough, the manga was so good compared to the anime, loved every bit of it)  it’s funny, it has cute moments, the normal pep-talk feeling any sport anime has to have, to believe in yourself, and do your best and all that crap.

They have awesome techniques, like the VACUUM BUTT CANNON!!!, you can’t beat such an attack name. Nopers. So it’s all taken very seriously, I think that is why it’s good, oh they can make insane amounts of money, this is of course the main character’s motivations, at least at the beginning.  I love greedy characters for some reason lol.

So give it a chance, it’s not the deepest philosophical anime out there this season, for that go and watch Wixxos Lostorage Incited, ah that one is driving me crazy, what the hell is wrong with those girl! Chi!!

Ahem anyway, for an easy watch, with some gratuitous meaningless yuri moments, go get some Keijo!!! anime.

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