Breaking free, breaking down

Incoming big rant, beware!!


I don’t even know how to start, yesterday was St. Valentine’s day here, I treated myself to a movie ( I disliked it and left after 30 minutes but it’s ok cos 1.- it was free and 2.- I decided never to do things I didn’t wanna do anymore) , had some twister fries and I also went early to the gym and had it all to myself for good 30 minutes, that was the first gift life gave me. Anyways, I was feeling well and these videos I had watched kind of ..we have a saying in Mexico “te cae el veinte” meaning you realise something, like really grasp it. So this happened and I had this relief feeling I had when I was over my ex, knowing everything would be ok ( in that specific matter) and that I wouldn’t have this pressure on my chest again, knowing love happens when it is a good time and when we are ready and that led me to realise… I wasn’t ready before, the persons I had strong feelings for were so not ready either, so it made complete sense none of it worked out, it wasn’t my fault at all, it wasn’t their fault, it wasn’t they being total assholes, it just wasn’t our time and we had to have such encounters for some reasons, I know mine now, don’t know about them.

And I was able to listen to certain songs, (I usually link songs to people so listening to them and feeling weird/uncomfy tells me I’m still not over someone lol) and enjoy them again, it really felt good, and I’m not afraid about that anymore, cos if people are meant to be together they end up like that, is that forever? I don’t know, may be, may be not.

But.. I am still, I don’t know if afraid or just nervous, I am not used to have peace of mind LOL, it sounds so freaking weird to even just write it, but it is true… I once heard about people being ok and creating chaos in their life cos that was their comfort zone, I though “pfff crazy, who does that”… Hi, my name is Nancy, I do that too apparently!  I was feeling all good yesterday yes? I came home and immediately stirred a lil fight just because , I kinda just so easily got mad about something, I even was a bit surprised.

Then I thought more about it, I was offended and mad cos it seemed TO ME , that everyone else wasn’t as freaking happy as I was, why wasn’t everyone all nice and happy? how dare they!? Were they even not as happy? Seriously, I was also happy cos I got paid for a job, I had more on the go, I was working out, getting over stuff and yet I felt this wasn’t impressing my family…do I need them to be all amazed for things I do? Isn’t it enough that I am super excited? Apparently not, cos let us remember deep down, ok not so deep, I do feel I wanna do my part, for all the time I didn’t, kinda wanna make it up, no one ever asked me, no one is demanding that, I imposed that on myself, but if I remember the videos now, everything happens the way it has to happen, I am doing something I like, I just somehow still need the others to be ok with it as well.

I got mad at a friend for saying “exercise should be only for health” , it got me so offended!!! I said it was ok to work out to improve ourselves, to look better, she said why? what for? I couldn’t possibly believe someone didn’t want to look better,by working out. So I of course felt offended even more so when she was saying our body is perfect and blah blah, yes it is, I do know the difference between working out cos you love your body as opposed as because you hate it.  It is of course the best to work out cos you like to feel strong, to appreciate muscle outlines, to lift random shit without help, so you can sprint to the bus in a blink. But…some people do not want this, they really don’t and why is that a problem for me? It does not affect me…until the moment I feel attacked cos honestly all I read into what my friend said was “It’s ok to be fat and lazy and eat shit” yes that’s all my mind got from it. I do not think women should starve on stupid diets or feel bad about their body either, but then we got the “we all beautiful” and some people weigh more than 150 kilograms and feel “good”.. it’s, I just can’t. Maybe cos I remember why I ate so much and drank so much, I was the unhappiest I’ve been, I truly hit the peak of hating myself and everyone else, I really have to make my peace with it.

I was fat cos I ate a lot of crap, for fuck sake I even ate meat for a while again, I truly can’t begin to describe to you how much more I despised myself because of it. Then that relationship ended, then I started to get back into shape, then I made some more poor decisions, then I still changed to make someone else happy, just not as much, then I settled…then I had the courage to end a relationship for the first time in my life.  Then I thought I found love but it wasn’t that, I think I met my ex so I could redeem the whole country of Germany, some other day I may tell you about that, but I can assure you nothing feels like going back to Hameln in a totally different situation, remembering places I had been in before, but with someone who couldn’t stand me. And it was our last good day, so, that really was a good way to sorta get over that whole Germany thing.

Anyhow this is mostly a rant and I don’t expect people to read it all, but I must let it out, I have to be aware that it is ok to be at peace, it is ok that nothing is wrong and no one is attacking me, I am sure no one cares a lot about whether I work out or not, if I count calories or not, and if they do, well it’s none of their business as it’s none of mine if they wanna workout for health only.  I will keep the Whatsapp away until…maybe Friday night, when I feel better haha, I am also not used to have so much social interaction, and it’s ok, it’s not something I wanna change, just, gotta chill and ignore stuff and not get into trouble.

I am glad I can recognise this and change it as quickly though, not like before when it took me years or months . good grief. PS I do like being healthy .


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