Las películas de terror no existirían si la gente tuviera sentido común

Este va en español, últimamente y más conforme se acerque octubre, hemos tenido varios filmes de terror en el cine,  ayer fui a ver “Annabelle : la creación”, con 2 amigas, y en nuestra conversación post-peli pude darme cuenta de que casi ninguna película de terror existiría si la gente usara un poquito su cabeza, y no digo ni siquiera cuando se tropiezan al escapar del asesino en turno, ese ya está ahí y a lo mejor uno se paniquea y está bien, pero hay ocasiones en que simplemente no hay razón.

IT: ( pasaron un avance de la nueva película de “It” o “Eso” para los amigos de habla hispana) Si Pennywise y la pandilla de chamacos, todo bien pero..la escena de Georgie, que juega con su barquito de papel, en la lluvia, y se pone a conversar con el mentado payaso… Para empezar, no se pone uno a hablar con un jodido payaso que está en la puta alcantarilla, why?? ¿por qué carajo vas a ponerte a hablar con un misterioso, perturbador y espeluznante  payaso que está dentro de una puta alcantarilla en medio de la jodida lluvia!?  Así fuera un bombero, un cura, una bailarina de ballet, no vas a hablar con una pinshi persona/ente/engendro/pato que te hable DESDE una jodida alcantarilla. wtf? Y todavía le pregunta que ¿qué hace ahí? “El viento me voló hasta aquí”  No joda, si estuviera en un árbol, después de un tornado a lo mejor lo crees, pero no pinches acabas en una alcantarilla por una pequeña ráfaga de aire. Ni que fueras la novicia voladora.

Annabelle la creación: ( y la otra también) : Número 1, no le pides a misteriosos poderes el volver a ver a tu querida hija muerta, si ha de ser horrible pero mejor no. Número 2, no guardas pinshi muñeca poseída por el diablo en tu jodida casa ( eh, Lorraine y Ed Warren, ¡¿eh?!) y si se te ocurre hacer eso, y recibes a unas niñas huérfanas , les avisas, de antemano, con lujo de detalles, que neta no vayan a abrir ni el cuarto, ni el closét porque se las va a cargar la chingada, no te esperas a que ya esté todo bien jodido para contarles. Y bonus número 3, si de manera misteriosa algún espíritu o lo que sea te pide “permiso” para estar en tu casa, poseer algún objeto o algo así, le dices “no, a la verga” no le dices “si claro”

En general: No va uno de noche ( menos si está lloviendo) a “revisar que es ese ruido” al cobertizo, ático, granero o algún otro lugar alejado y mysterious y creepy.

Si se te descompuso el carro, tampoco vas a la casita misteriosa en medio de la pinche nada, y menos si está en una colina, y especialmente si está habitada por gente extraña que tiene pinta de guardar cadáveres en sus habitaciones.

Si has de hallar inscripciones antiguas y místicas, pasajes oscuros de libros perdidos y sin título, oraciones sin aparente sentido en las paredes/piedras ( bono si están escritas con sangre) no es la mejor idea intentar leerlas en voz alta, MENOS si hay algún tipo de advertencia de no sé, una maldición o terrible acontecimiento que podrías desatar.

Asian horror movies… el aro..vamo a ver esta cinta maldita, que todo mundo sabe que está maldita, nomás a ver si es cierto… es más, vamos a juntarnos varias personas a verla porque alv , a lo mejor es puro cuento. Y  ya en tiempos modernos, alv vamo a hacer una copia en DVD de la puta cinta maldita, total, ni ha de ser cierto, pero si lo es, por alguna razón, hay que preservarlo. Y si se puede, la subimos a Internet de una vez.

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Ryeong a.k.a “The ghost” /”Dead friend”

Thank you South Korea, you have yet again brought an amazing movie for me. If you’ve watched “the grudge” and “dark water” and liked them, you are gonna love this one.

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After I’m done with my Asian horror movies watching fest, I’ll most definitely add this one on my new top chart.  You get a girl with amnesia, a confusing past, revengeful spirit , mysterious events and a very nice plot twist, as expected from Asian films.

I have to confess I am in no way used to Korean names so it got confusing at times, also cos they all seem more similar to me than Japanese do,  I’m sure that is cos I’m silly.

Anyhow, I don’t want to spoil you, but I want to recommend it, I enjoyed it so much, it has a great atmosphere, it keeps you interested and it’s an overall pretty good movie. Plus the lead character is…well, the twist was really nice, seriously.

 

 

Nancy’s ultimate top 8 Asian Horror Movies!

I just watched Sadako vs Kayako so I now must present to you my top 8.

Before anything, I won’t be including movies such as: Ichi the killer, Audition, Battle Royale, Sympathy for lady Vengeance and so on, because those are violent and bloody surely, but they lack the supernatural component,so they belong in another list! Along with most of Takashi Miike’s films.

I am leaving many movies out, yes, cos these ones are the ones I can recall most of what happened without having to watch again and made a bigger impression, but of course there are tons of good movies, like Whispering corridors, The stair of wishes or something like that, Tomie, etc.

1.- A tale of two sisters: Let’s begin with Korea, they bring to us this awesome and surely confusing tale, of well, two sisters, things are surely not what they look like. After spending some time in a mental institution the sisters come home.

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2.- Ringu (The ring): Japan’s turn.What can I say? One of the first movies of this sort I’ve watched, the premise is simple, watch a tape, get cursed in X days, proceed to die. Ah vengeful spirits.

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3.- Art of the devil (Long Khong): Thailand, why are you like this? Black magic, voodoo, hella lot of revenge, seriously one of the most gruesome films I’ve watched, and damn I’ve watched such things…Yikes! The one I remember the most is the part 2, my favourite, but any of the 3 will make it hard to sleep in peace.

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Sorry about the cropping, it’s a bit hard to find the cover.

4.- One missed call: Japan surely is something else. I think this is one of my all time favourites, I must had watched it about 15 times, through the years.  You get a call, from your own phone, well, you get a voice message, then you die in X days (why won’t you kill people more quickly!) it’s interesting cos it tells a lot about how people make their relations and are using technology and blah blah. Plus the ringtone is cool AF.

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5.- Sick Nurses: Oh another Thai beauty. I love this one because it feels like a parody, I think it’s one..I’m not sure. It’s really over the top, it presents the most commonly seen tropes in Asian horror movies, long hair, revengeful female spirit, deadly water, etc. Towards the end it turns really original and I just had to love it for it.

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6.- Train to Busan: This is not what I would call terror, but it has zombies, plus it made me cry when I watched it alone in the cinema theater. Not cos it was so scary, but cos , as usually, Asian horror movies have a very sad part/backstory/ending. I loved every single minute of it. Another jewel from Korea.

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7.- Shutter:  From Thailand, ghosts and cameras, a perfect match. It’s really creepy, I got to watch it in a cinema theater and loved it , (in Mexico we don’t always get this sort of movies shown on the big screen, sadly)

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8.- The eye: This amazing title comes from Hong Kong/ Singapore , a blind woman who gets a cornea transplant and gets to see the world sounds lovely right? Yeah, except when you can see ghosts and terrible things. (hey it reminds me of Misaki Mei from “Another” anime)

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Sadako vs Kayako

I was finally able to watch this in the original version ( a dubbed version in Chinese was available before, but nope) I have to say it was glorious, as a movie of that sort can be.

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What started off as a joke, cos who in their right mind would put bad evil spirits to fight..ah Jason vs Freddy happened once..ok never mind that.  An April fool’s joke, the idea seemed so welcomed the producers decided to go with it.

I love Asian horror, Japanese, Chinese, from Vietnam, Korea, etc, and I’ve watched most of the Ringu and Ju-On movies (Sadako comes from Ringu and Kayako comes from Ju-on) so I was so excited about this, and it delivered.

The plot is as amazing as it sounds, a girl is cursed by the video tape (with logic and common sense horror movies wouldn’t exist, seriously, who willingly watches a freaking cursed tape and has the audacity to make a DVD copy!?) and another one is cursed by entering this house,so, the super cool spirit fighter guy along with snarky blind gifted girl come up with a plan.

Let’s make them fight! It’s easy, curse the other one with the opposite foe and then let’em fight over ya, what could ever go wrong?

I shall not spoil you, please do watch, I loved it to bits, the ending is a bit “…really?” but considering the plot, it’s just as expected. Tons of fun to be have here.

Oh I’ve had an epiphany… I’ll make my top 10 Asian horror movies !!!

The Girl on the Train

First of all, I MUST read the book, the movie seemed interesting at best, but now… It is a psychological masterpiece, damn I don’t want to spoil it for you all, because honestly, it has a very very intense twist.. I’ll just say abusive relationships can really go so far… mix it with some substance dependency, guilt, regret, remorse and the human tendency to cling onto things, ideals, people, situations, relationships… Yep, we got a winner. Truly, truly well executed, I liked Emily Blunt’s acting before but she really does shine here.

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SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!

 

This is the first time I believe I have a firmer grasp on how much gas lighting can damage people, how cruel it is for the attacked person and how well it works, damn, human psique is surely something.  I can never even begin to question or judge people who has gone through it, because it’s so easy to say “Eh why didn’t you leave sooner” or similar questions, well, we don’t know, because everyone has their own story and we would do well to just listen and be there for them if they want that.

 

Train to Busan

Also known as “Estación Zombie” in Latin america. let me tell you, it’s a big thing we do get Asian horror movies on our cinema theatres, so I was excited out of my head to go watch it.  Asian is not only Japan let me tell you, there’s a lot of countries there, I find Thai cinema particularly interesting by the way, in any case let’s begin with this review. ( Aye, I am a bit of an Asia-fan)

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Train to Busan @ Cinepolis, the only chain here that will show really interesting stuff.

You can see I took the picture outside of the movies, hehe, so, as you should already know Asian horror movies come with feels, lots of them, it’s not just vengeful spirits and curses and zombies and horrible creatures, no sir!  They usually go and tell us about things like how much we rely on our phones ( one missed call ) , how much appearances have become too important ( sick nurses ), of course they tell us about broken homes, vengeance, remorse, etc . This one in particular presents us with …the dad, whose name I of course forgot already, he works a lot, thinks about himself mostly and has no time for his little daughter, his wife left him, I can guess why and the girl wants to go see  her. On her birthday, so the dad agrees to take her on the train, there’s some sort of virus outbreak ( how convenient!) and people get bitten, then infected, you know how that is. But this happens inside a damn moving train, so it was really exciting, it made me think of the first part of Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles actually…

The interesting part is to see how the dad becomes less of a egotistical jerk, there’s a pair of sisters too, somehow elderly, really sweet.. A very selfish business man which I am sure showed the dad the path he was taking would lead him to be like that, how I despised him, still just a human though.. A very awesome super cool strong dude with a pregnant wife, sport young man and sport young girl and of course the kiddo. I do not usually like kiddos, specially not in movies, but Su-an ( may remember it wrong) was relatable for me! She was so sad and scared, sniff.

I cried, a lot, oh gods how I cried. Especially at the end. Dammit.  I also laughed and I also got excited like, cheering for them like “OMG RUN YOU FUCKING IDIOTS RUUUUUN”

So, without spoiling anything, do go watch, get ready to cry, if you do have a heart, otherwise you won’t, hehe just kidding..or am I? Highly recommended.

 

The Intervention ( 2016 )

What a movie, ladies and gentlemen! Ok long story short, 3 couples, 6 people plan an intervention for a married duo, since they seem to be getting along really bad, they are in this summer house, there’s a lesbian couple, a widow guy with a young lover, a sorta engaged couple and the said married couple arguing a lot.

What could go wrong right? … Ah someone has drinking problems, someone has commitment issues and the hell lot of them ain’t honest enough often enough.

I do not wish to spoil this movie for you, but there is this quote that just got through me, pierced my heart and came out bleeding with rejoice. I honestly don’t remember it EXACTLY, *slaps own wrist* but it goes along these lines :

“What if we can’t go back to what we were?” – Ruby
“Why don’t you try to make something new?” – Lola

I do know that feeling, of wanting to go back to the starting point, ( mostly in romantic relationships, can apply to other things as well ) to “when things were good”, but we often forget we change, we evolve, I do think there is a core essence in us that doesn’t change, but the things that may hold us back or be in some ways we may not like to be, those do change, so… isn’t it a bit ilogical to want to go back to be the person you were some months ago, or years? or to have the exact same relationship you had at the beginning? That would mean there is no progress, no evolution, no new understanding, (man I love it when movies make me think and realize shit.)

So, we change, the others change, the world changes, just gotta go with it and open up, for example in relationships, I do believe in trying to work out things and stuff, I do, but that requires, I think, to have a good conversation about the issue and to embrace the fact that things will not be the exact same, this will be new for both persons and it might be truly awesome, it may show both sides they didn’t think the other had, that they themselves had or it could also just show that is best not to be together at least at that specific time in life.

So, do watch the movie, expect a few laughs and it’s easier to stop resisting change, the more you wanna avoid something, usually the more it comes kicking you in the face so, right things come at right times, so do right people.  Try to think about the last time you felt a situation was hopeless and doomed, like really bad shit, think you would never be happy again and stuff maybe? Well, most likely you did so, it all passes.

All in all the acting is great, specially Annie, oh boy, she nailed it big time. I only disliked Lola’s voice but that’s totally biased subjective opinion.

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