Moving from gym to home workout.

I wanted a fancy title but I’m supposed to be working, so I’ll make this quick, just need to write it down or my brain won’t shut up hehe.

Ok,you know I was “average”, then fat, then average, then whatever I am now. Thing is , I owe much to the gym, the facilities, because it’s thanks to such places that I was able to get rid of those 25 kilograms, I learned many basic things, I was able to finally have a butt, I learned also a lot about myself, my trainer is DA bomb, really, he and his wife helped me so so so much! but I think now it’s the moment to say goodbye.

I liked going to the the gym, I’ll try to post the good and the not so good .

The BAD

1.- Crowded, you must wait in order to use equipment, and some people come in groups so they of course grab ALL the dumbbells that exist!

2.- You must get there. Yes, there are cars, buses, one can walk but sometimes life decides you have stuff to do and it’s already 9:30 pm, whatcha gonna do? Hum?

3.- A monthly fee, I am now saving up that to invest on life lasting equipment, like a pull up bar, a bar with discs, etc.

4.- Mirrors, it is good to see how the body is changing but some days you ARE really bloated and the fit clothes make you feel bad and you get a bit sad, at least I did.

The GOOD

1.- You have equipment to do many different exercises

2.- If the coach is a good one, you get invaluable advice and tips.

3.- The comrade feeling!

4.- You can add resistance in the way of weights, an easier to track progress mark, let’s say it like that.

Now, I decided to quit my gym of 3 years, truth be said I only was really committed at times, when things feel like a duty I am not so keen on them, there was I time I did a mix of crossfit and functional training, I walked back and forth to the gym, 30 minutes each round, the workout was about 45 minutes, I had the time and I liked it, I was my slimest fittest ever,  but then I wanted to get more muscle or tone or whatever and I tried out another things, and well, one step forward, one backwards, then I would start feeling anxious if I didn’t go, I would feel guilty.

Now though, I decided and started a little routine with my dumbbells and bar, but I left that and I am with the Insanity MAX:30 program ( this is not an AD, there are tons of programs, free workouts in YouTube, there’s bodyrock.tv, Zuzka light etc ) and honestly, I read people need much more willpower to workout at home..I don’t think it’s the case, you don’t have to drive,walk anywhere, you just turn on the TV or the PC, then again this may not apply to everyone. But it did for me, I love it that I can adjust my times, I love having my protein shake right after I finish because the kitchen is THERE, ( I am looking at it from my room), the weather means nothing to me, I don’t get self conscious of a particular training outfit being not so flattering ( no big mirrors here), I don’t have to wait for absolutely anything or anyone!!and most important IT IS FUN, I look forward to it!!!!! Don’t get me wrong, I had endorphines from gym as well, but honestly, I tend to overdo  it, and sometimes I’d get small injuries. This is solid 30 minutes, I have fun, I challenge myself but I also rest as needed, not for too long.

So, what I think will be my new path, I’ll finish this program, then I’m going to try P90x3, use my bar for deadlifts (compound moves are DA bomb), get a pull-up bar and alternate between different programs, of course eating properly and resting a lot at night.

I encourage going to the gym, going to swim, hiking, biking, anything that means being active!!!

I also want to talk about “fat pride”… but in other occasion! That’s going to offend some people but I hope you’ll get what I want to say.

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Heck, you can also try this out! see? lots of alternatives everywhere!

Green eyed demon, begone!

Sometimes in your life, when you sit and think deeply about your past actions, and of others, you come to a better understanding of yourself, and this allows you to accept the person you were, knowing why you were like that and embracing the person you’ve become.

I want to share my latest understanding, the dreaded jealousy! I know I was a jealous person, ( not as bad as some, but still, a bit too silly) but I never sat down and thought about it as to ask myself why? Of course I knew it was because I was an insecure person, that is usually the main issue there, but also I kept attracting and being attracted to exactly the kind of person who could add to such insecurity, I am not saying it’s their fault, it’s no one’s fault, but when you are feeling silly and not worthy you tend to end up surrounded by people who make you face that, I guess it’s life’s way to tell you “Yo,silly ass, wake up!”

Because, if you really do not trust the person you are with, you should respect yourself enough, and also that person and just go, end such relationship, but if you don’t love yourself at the moment, let us even say you hate yourself and the world and expect the worst every time from everyone… it kind of ends up being true, you do get the worst in every possible case, you are tuned for the “bad” vibes so to speak, like a radio set for FM, you only get FM, if you change the tuning, you can get other sort of waves.  At this point you really don’t have much security either, and well this “fear of losing someone” I think, it’s related to the fact that deep down you know or you think, it’s not going to work, you don’t even love this person, you know they don’t love you either, but for a variety of reasons the relationship continues.  So you hold onto something that you know it’s similar to slippery mud, cos you know it won’t stay, and honestly.. you don’t want it to stay, but sometimes you are too lonely or too focused worrying about Gods know what, and you lose yourself a bit, or a lot…

But! when you find yourself, that is the most amazing thing ever, you discover this thing…self-esteem! It’s really nice let me tell you, and then you are ready, you are open and prepared to be attracted and to attract people who can and will respect you, that you can also respect and trust, because you also stopped doing that annoying thing of trying to think for others, or to feel for others, you just, let them be, of course old habits may sneak around now and then, but it’s much easier to get back on the track, it gets easier every time. And you are thankful you met a certain someone at this certain point in your life, cos now you are a proper partner for this kind of nice, loving, respectful, fun relationship.

So, I won’t tell ya to stop being a jealous person immediately,  I’m not a therapist, but I can suggest, to try and think about why are you like that, or maybe it’s another thing, are you an angry person? pessimistic? etc, looking inside one’s soul and mind is, scary at first but it’s the best journey you can have, cos it allows you to further accept and love others, either friends or romantic interest or your family and especially, yourself.

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Carol

It’s here, it’s back, a movie review… This is one of the best lesbian movies ever, like seriously.

But please don’t expect something like a 10 minutes long sex scene, ( seriously, what the hell was that about?) this movie is about, well, meeting someone else, in this tight-up society, and man it’s been a while since I saw 2 classy ladies drink so much, but in that time ( it’s set in the 50’s ) you could have breakfast with a Martini glass, actually just leave the damn mixer on the table, we will refill ourselves, golden!!!

I loved it cos I went in expecting to at least not be bored to death, it was a free ticket so I wasn’t worried about hating it… It has been so long since I came out of a movie play dancing and strolling, singing and with my hand on my chest,  I was happy. It made me actually happy, to smile, a real smile. smiling, at the movies, I went alone and I came out dancing, singing and smiling, that is how good that movie is!!!

It managed to touch my heart, to make me feel this, this love feelings the women had, and it also got some dramatic moments, but, that is what I liked best, it wasn’t this horrible unending ordeal , no one ends up dead, either killed or committing suicide, or a double suicide! there is no rape, no forced marriage ( one was married but divorcing) no terminal illness diminishing their light, nothing like this!!! It was a normal, yes troubled, but normal developing of a love relationship.

The ending…I won’t say nothing, but I want to say, it is a good one, like I said, no one does stupid ass sacrifices for the sake of others dooming their lives to perpetual misery.

And it was funny too, well at least I laughed in some parts, maybe cos I was feeling like a school girl hehehe. I was giggling.So good.

So, please do go watch it, you don’t even need to be gay to enjoy it!

I wish I look as good and classy as Cate Blanchet when I’m older

 

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Getting off this train…

Well, after some months of giving it deep thoughts… I get off the veganism train, no, I won’t go running around wearing leather and buying stuff without caring if it’s tested or not and visiting Seaworld ( those idiots!!), but I may eat occasional eggs from Ranchs that old women sell near my house,  I looked back at how I was about this, how it made me feel, how it made me be and all that amazingly fun introspective stuff… I don’t want to ride my high horse ( a vegan ride, not on a real horse haha ) and be purist and totalitarian about things, when I trained at the gym I loved it, it was nice, but I also realize I over did it, I was so damn sore all the time, now training at home ( just started ) I’m taking it easy, respecting my body and giving it enough stimulus to get fit but also not too much that it can’t properly recover, can’t demand and not give back! I did get sore but something normal not crippling pain.

So back to the main point, I analysed and with my heart on my hand not literally omg gross, I do not see wrong in eating some eggs that the hens who are living a natural life lay, that old women sell to help support themselves and said hens, when I say natural life please do consider hens don’t go wild living in the forests, as far as I know they only live with us humans, so I chose to , instead of going around pointing my finger at people and isolating myself from anyone who dared to be : a) a not so good vegan b) not a vegan c) not even a vegetarian! c)not thinking like I thought they should think, I just let people be cos we are what we are and we are in different stages in our lives, of course I am happy, thrilled,blessed to have found a woman that is a vegetarian already and is trying to consume less dairy, I am, but I am not going to keep on feeling so tense about not being perfect about stuff, cos that is not healthy for my mind or body.

I don’t know how many people will take this, I am guessing not too well, and this is also another reason, being scared of losing a certain “status” or “common denomination”? I’m too old for that, I want to enjoy life, of course respecting my fellow animal humans and non-humans, I am still against many things, but also not others, like guide dogs for the blind, I don’t dare go and say those blind people are monsters enslaving the dogs, I am against police dogs though, cos it’s risky and they die and get injured.

Having said this… I’m still good old me, I decided I do wanna quit the snacks too, cos it’s not fun eating them on my own to be honest haha, and I want to train at home, at a reasonable pace and I want to fully embrace who I am and respect me and value and love me cos I am not doing anything wrong and I shouldn’t feel guilty so often.

So, if you are reading this and you know me personally and wanna keep being friends or something, cool! If not, that’s cool too cos it’s your call.

Ahhh, it felt so good sharing that… miau. 11060103_10153142961388836_518791952641537802_n

 

 

 

About cats and making peace

Well, many things have passed,this is not a post to take a look into recent things but rather into old, forgotten and hidden stuff… Yeah, as you know I’ve made my way in my own acceptance path and this comes with self-esteem and new ideas and new ways to see things,or in some cases, old ways renewed , so now I feel ready to write this. I also realized I don’t have to be angry cos there’s still stuff to improve!

I am going to do this as a list, with just initial Letter of names so we don’t get into a mess hehe, once it happened that I used a full name and hell broke loose!

Ok who do I start with…. tough one. I think with lowest point in my life..

P : It took me a while but I understand you were (are?) also a lonely person, scared and who desperately needed praise ,being it with “friends” or “love”, you were even more lost than I was and we just pretended that everything was ok and it wasn’t, but I gotta thank you, I re-assured my preference big time, I’m super lesbian and more than that, I’m demisexual, which explains a lot about my life lol. I also realized I am not good lying to myself and pretending stuff,so I’m not doing that anymore, I hope you also realized important things about yourself.

L:  Hmm I learned so much… I learned I don’t have to beg for attention or a nice word,also that I don’t have to force myself to accept things that I’m not really ok with, and that I don’t have to hold onto things that are hurting me just because the right thing is to keep trying,is also wise to quit, I learned the more you want something that someone doesn’t want to give, the more fights come from it, I also learned to respect myself enough to say “no” and to stay away from people that are not the kind I like to be with. So, thank you for that,you were right, you were the step towards something much better, and it’s only getting better, thank you!

K: Contrary to what would be most logical to thing, I don’t have much to say about this, I took a big chance, didn’t work, we both were silly back then, but I held a grudge for way too long , I surely will make sure I don’t do that again!!

M: You were incredibly supporting, you really helped me to get back on my feet after my big depression when I came back from Germany, you were a great friend..I don’t think I ever told you, that band you introduced to me “Marlango” would remain one of my favourites and that their song “It’s alright” saved me so many times when I couldn’t bare to exist on this earth, I helped you translate many songs and you drew a wonderful cat for me that I got tattooed, I still don’t know what happened,why did you turn your back on me and became such good friends with those people you used to dislike so much,but I am done questioning that,or you,or why you never replied to my messages, with a little pain in my heart but also with happiness, I let you go, my dear friend , you did what you had to do in my life and that time is over and I am happy we met and I hope you’re doing fine.

I hope everyone on this list is doing fine,also those people I didn’t mention but, to sum it up , I thank everyone I’ve met, specially the ones that had made my life “difficult” cos that only meant you had something to teach me.

 

Now onto the present… I think with all the years and all the stuff, I forgot how much I really love cats…after Histeria died I didn’t want to truly love one again,cos I knew it’d hurt so much if something happened…but closing your heart is not the answer nor with human animals nor with any other animal…that’s why I’m surrounded by love now, family,cats ,friends and of course my super awesome sillyhead girlfriend… she’s helped me so much,but I will thank her personally ^_^

So, Gordito’s death really hit me, I felt so guilty and so bad, but those feelings have gone now everytime I think of him is just with love and I remember how silly he was and how he hit the other cats hehe, of course now and then a tear falls down,but it’s perfectly ok.

So with this renewed love for my furry friends,and this peace of finally letting go of so many things and people, I continue my way  focusing on what I have instead of what I don’t. cos man that’s tiring and stupid

Now something to think about!

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Exciting feelings, fluttering feelings

I’m not describing how I feel, LOL, it’s the title or rather, the two translations of title for this manga..ok manwah (?)  cos it’s korean.

So it’s yuri ( do you still call it yuri if it’s korean ? ), the art style is nice, I must confess I find it hard to keep track cos the names and the language are so weird to me,as opposed to japanese ones ( hey, been an anime fan for 17 years now shush ) but ok, there are .. 3? titles I like , this is one of those.

Well,it’s not as exciting or fluttering… I mean,the art is nice,the story seems promising but… 30 chapters AND NOTHING has happened. Come on! ( if you want to see lots of stuff happening from chapter 1 , check What does the fox say? it has a weird way to be read though )

Actually I decided in this moment to talk to you about WDTFS, it’s awesome, you have these 3 girls, again I can’t deal with them names so.. black haired company director, newbie blond and pink haired devil. Director and pink haired devil used to date,but stuff happened, now they fuck sporadically, then newbie comes into scene.. of course director is interested in her but newbie is kinda a virgin and then you have this messed up relationship and add a troubled past. Yes, it is very very interesting, check it out.

 

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I feel like this when reading WDTFS

 

 

 

Letting go

I have written about saying good bye to the purism and absolutism that seem to permeate the lifestyle I chose regarding my ethics in relation with other animals ( veganism, although I am finding I’m less fond of the word day by day… ) but I also must come to terms with other aspects of my life.

I may have overcame my incipient eating disorder that started when I was seriously not in control of my life anymore or what I ate and barely of what I did, I shall refer to that time of my life as the true dark ages. So, I have just recently got keen on working out, but let me be honest, I still do it mostly cos I do fear not only gaining weight but not losing what’s remaining of fat here, that which keeps me away from being what I think would be ideal.

The result is of course, I stress out a lot when I skip gym either for time or like yesterday I was sick, and it’s unwise to attend gym when one is ill, specially with a fever. Stress makes people store more fat, so you can see how that goes, so I am going to try to change that, I don’t know how long it’ll take me but I want to do all the things i do with a smile, do them cos I enjoy them and not cos of fear what would happen if I didn’t do them. Hope you could follow me up until here, I am going to focus on the benefits that I get in terms of how I feel,not weight or looks. For example, I love being able to perform 15 push ups in a row, I love being strong enough to press 160 kilos with my legs, I love the endorphine shower I get after working out and I love that the daily cardio sessions allow me to run 6 blocks to be on time when I need to.

I will do that and let my body and my mind relax, not thinking about %’s of this and that, yes commitment is important, but it must not become a self imposed task either. Like, I am going to get a new notebook and write down my cheat meals, so I can eat something yummy,not so healthy not so crappy once a week,and write it down, cos that keeps me on track but also lets me do what i want once every 7 days, hehe, and I will make a true list of goals for next year, for example, drinking only craftbeer ,1 on the weekend, with the exception of 5 times a year,drinking other kind when meeting friends, rules are good and help me keeping on the path but I must also become a flexible person when it’s needed.

So basically I am going to trust that my body will look much better after I truly feel better.  cos it is a reflection.

Happy holidays!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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