Breaking free, breaking down

Incoming big rant, beware!!

 

I don’t even know how to start, yesterday was St. Valentine’s day here, I treated myself to a movie ( I disliked it and left after 30 minutes but it’s ok cos 1.- it was free and 2.- I decided never to do things I didn’t wanna do anymore) , had some twister fries and I also went early to the gym and had it all to myself for good 30 minutes, that was the first gift life gave me. Anyways, I was feeling well and these videos I had watched kind of ..we have a saying in Mexico “te cae el veinte” meaning you realise something, like really grasp it. So this happened and I had this relief feeling I had when I was over my ex, knowing everything would be ok ( in that specific matter) and that I wouldn’t have this pressure on my chest again, knowing love happens when it is a good time and when we are ready and that led me to realise… I wasn’t ready before, the persons I had strong feelings for were so not ready either, so it made complete sense none of it worked out, it wasn’t my fault at all, it wasn’t their fault, it wasn’t they being total assholes, it just wasn’t our time and we had to have such encounters for some reasons, I know mine now, don’t know about them.

And I was able to listen to certain songs, (I usually link songs to people so listening to them and feeling weird/uncomfy tells me I’m still not over someone lol) and enjoy them again, it really felt good, and I’m not afraid about that anymore, cos if people are meant to be together they end up like that, is that forever? I don’t know, may be, may be not.

But.. I am still, I don’t know if afraid or just nervous, I am not used to have peace of mind LOL, it sounds so freaking weird to even just write it, but it is true… I once heard about people being ok and creating chaos in their life cos that was their comfort zone, I though “pfff crazy, who does that”… Hi, my name is Nancy, I do that too apparently!  I was feeling all good yesterday yes? I came home and immediately stirred a lil fight just because , I kinda just so easily got mad about something, I even was a bit surprised.

Then I thought more about it, I was offended and mad cos it seemed TO ME , that everyone else wasn’t as freaking happy as I was, why wasn’t everyone all nice and happy? how dare they!? Were they even not as happy? Seriously, I was also happy cos I got paid for a job, I had more on the go, I was working out, getting over stuff and yet I felt this wasn’t impressing my family…do I need them to be all amazed for things I do? Isn’t it enough that I am super excited? Apparently not, cos let us remember deep down, ok not so deep, I do feel I wanna do my part, for all the time I didn’t, kinda wanna make it up, no one ever asked me, no one is demanding that, I imposed that on myself, but if I remember the videos now, everything happens the way it has to happen, I am doing something I like, I just somehow still need the others to be ok with it as well.

I got mad at a friend for saying “exercise should be only for health” , it got me so offended!!! I said it was ok to work out to improve ourselves, to look better, she said why? what for? I couldn’t possibly believe someone didn’t want to look better,by working out. So I of course felt offended even more so when she was saying our body is perfect and blah blah, yes it is, I do know the difference between working out cos you love your body as opposed as because you hate it.  It is of course the best to work out cos you like to feel strong, to appreciate muscle outlines, to lift random shit without help, so you can sprint to the bus in a blink. But…some people do not want this, they really don’t and why is that a problem for me? It does not affect me…until the moment I feel attacked cos honestly all I read into what my friend said was “It’s ok to be fat and lazy and eat shit” yes that’s all my mind got from it. I do not think women should starve on stupid diets or feel bad about their body either, but then we got the “we all beautiful” and some people weigh more than 150 kilograms and feel “good”.. it’s, I just can’t. Maybe cos I remember why I ate so much and drank so much, I was the unhappiest I’ve been, I truly hit the peak of hating myself and everyone else, I really have to make my peace with it.

I was fat cos I ate a lot of crap, for fuck sake I even ate meat for a while again, I truly can’t begin to describe to you how much more I despised myself because of it. Then that relationship ended, then I started to get back into shape, then I made some more poor decisions, then I still changed to make someone else happy, just not as much, then I settled…then I had the courage to end a relationship for the first time in my life.  Then I thought I found love but it wasn’t that, I think I met my ex so I could redeem the whole country of Germany, some other day I may tell you about that, but I can assure you nothing feels like going back to Hameln in a totally different situation, remembering places I had been in before, but with someone who couldn’t stand me. And it was our last good day, so, that really was a good way to sorta get over that whole Germany thing.

Anyhow this is mostly a rant and I don’t expect people to read it all, but I must let it out, I have to be aware that it is ok to be at peace, it is ok that nothing is wrong and no one is attacking me, I am sure no one cares a lot about whether I work out or not, if I count calories or not, and if they do, well it’s none of their business as it’s none of mine if they wanna workout for health only.  I will keep the Whatsapp away until…maybe Friday night, when I feel better haha, I am also not used to have so much social interaction, and it’s ok, it’s not something I wanna change, just, gotta chill and ignore stuff and not get into trouble.

I am glad I can recognise this and change it as quickly though, not like before when it took me years or months . good grief. PS I do like being healthy .

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The Girl on the Train

First of all, I MUST read the book, the movie seemed interesting at best, but now… It is a psychological masterpiece, damn I don’t want to spoil it for you all, because honestly, it has a very very intense twist.. I’ll just say abusive relationships can really go so far… mix it with some substance dependency, guilt, regret, remorse and the human tendency to cling onto things, ideals, people, situations, relationships… Yep, we got a winner. Truly, truly well executed, I liked Emily Blunt’s acting before but she really does shine here.

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SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!

 

This is the first time I believe I have a firmer grasp on how much gas lighting can damage people, how cruel it is for the attacked person and how well it works, damn, human psique is surely something.  I can never even begin to question or judge people who has gone through it, because it’s so easy to say “Eh why didn’t you leave sooner” or similar questions, well, we don’t know, because everyone has their own story and we would do well to just listen and be there for them if they want that.

 

Anime season endings: Wixoss & Keijo!!!

Ok first the easiest to write about, Keijo!!! The end is a previsible one for this kind of sports anime, you may want to check my quick review here  , with that said it was really exciting, I was rooting for Nozomi ( is that her name??) out loud and all! The gratuitous meaningless yuri was able to deliver a tiny smile from me, so I am pleased.  It was fun and I honestly hope they will make a second season, I liked the anime more than the manga, that is a first timer!!

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Now for a bit longer serious review, I shall not spoil the ending of Lostorage Incited WIXOSS,but I must recommend you to watch selector infected WIXOSS, selector spread WIXOSS and as an option since it’s a recopilation film, selector destructed WIXOSS.

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The idea is “simple” it’s a card game with a dark magical twist, makes me think a bit of Madoka, I loved the last series because I really felt for the characters, they all had their own flare, I did dislike Suzu at first cos she was such a cry baby, but wow she did get quite strong! not a single was only a total jerk..oj Bookmaker Satomi? Yeah ok he’s a total douchebag, the final battle with Suzu is ESPECTACULAR, and the ending could of been very sad but it managed to keep up the good spirits, apparently we will have a new season , I am thinking Piruluk is far from being done with Bookmaker, also Aya? the glasses girl isn’t done researching about Mayu and so on, we need Lostorage conflated WIXOSS!! The question is when will we have it!

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It is really thought provocative title. Makes you wonder about life and what you cling to and why. Gold right there, I’d LOVE to play the cards game but I safely assume it’s only in japanese.

 

Workout complements / Sexuality on trend?

First the easy one, I got me a new routine, which only requires me to attend to gym to lift weights 3 days a week, really slaying them muscles of course, so I now consciously go and take long walks as much as possible and I also put my hands on some Wii games fitness related, included but not limited to UFC personal trainer and Wii sports. Yes that last title isn’t the calorie blasting machine but if you do stand up and move around like a crazy person you at least get more action than sitting on your ass. Plus it’s fun.

I found this channel,Good Health 24/7 there’s a lot on yoga and food and stuff but what I loved was the “Break free” and “30 minute fat burn” routines, cos:

a) It’s an Indian person, not a white person, that’s refreshing.

b) The music is cool

c) The workout is not too tiring but not too silly, perfect for active recovery or a random time when you wanna do something for yourself.

So, check it out and of course there are tons of other videos and styles out there, no reason not to work out ever!! Unless you broke something, then you might wanna take it easy, healing and proper rest are crucial!

I do suck at dancing and I am sure I am as rhythmical as an oyster, buried 2 meters underneath earth.

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Used this one cos it has food I actually eat, nevermind the gluten free, if you aren’t allergic to it screw that trend! 

 





 

Sexuality, ok I’ll try to make it short and clear, back in my days, ( bear in mind I am over 30 ok? ) there were gays, lesbians, bisexuals, travesties, drag queens/kings and transsexuals ( never as out as now though, that shows more openness!) , but mostly people were like, females, males and some very seldom in-between. Now there are a-gender,gender fluid, bi-gender, I don’t know for sure but I am guessing there are polygender or something? Do not get me wrong, I am not against people being like that, I just don’t freaking get it and I don’t think I ever will and that is fine!

I do not enjoy how modern day requires us to like and accept EVERYTHING, I can respect something without agreeing or understanding it, I think we’ve lost a bit of free speech lately, can’t say certain things cos then you are biphobic, or transphobic or something along those lines, there are people out there like that, just like homophobes and racists, but we would do well to remember we are allowed ( we still are right? ) to have preferences, yeah I do prefer to date lesbian women who identify as female, I don’t make much use of words like “butch” and “femme” but I am not attracted to women who could go into butch category or those who feel like a boy someday and like a girl the other, I have read this is some disphoria… I am old school you may say, I like women who feel all the time like women and look as such and that is pretty much it. It should be ok too! *raises sign*

Speaking of which, I remember I made a list of the things I look for in a partner, I think it’s time to change it, she can eat meat if she wants as long as she’s not a meat maniac and doesn’t give me a hard time for being a vegan, just as I won’t give her crap for eating whatever she wants. She should though take care of herself, her body, at least be interested in working out and eating right, that’s essential in my life so…very sexually aggressive seems to have to be a must as well.

Back to topic, yeah, polyamorous, a/bi/fluid/gender, pansexuals,etc , I don’t get it and  it’s a deal breaker for me.

 

 

 

Level up soon + Str+10 Dex+10

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I remember when some friends tagged along to go to gym… never lasted. So, you must know I’ve been in and out of fitness/gym for some years now, this is the first time I am designing my own routine!! I am sick and tired of the 20+ repetitions really, it is good in the sense that is has given me the endurance to lift heavier now that I am doing the 8-12 range, I absolutely respect my coach but he’s been treating me too girly lately, I know, came back from Germany with about 16+ pounds ( you euro edible tasty candy coins!!) but enough is enough!

First of all I am back to My Fitness Pal, I set up what seems to be the best ratio of macros for me, following a mostly clean diet, considering calories BUT , not thinking 500 calories of pizza are the same as 500 calories of veggies and beans, cos it is not, even if it is the same number, come on!  Seriously limiting the drinks and the formerly known as cheat meals now known as treat meals will be monitored closely.

Then I took some exercises that I was given by my coach, some are staple like squats and deadlifts,  I arranged muscle groups in which I think it’s the best way ( did research of course) , wrote down simple rules to resting times and repetitions range and how to mix’em up. So I should have solid 4 months of this routine.

I of course added cardio, 10 warm up and 20-35 to finish, of course some days will have burpess, mountain climbers other sorts of things, but as basics we got that. Also going out more, if only to walk.

Let’s see how this goes, I think it’s best to start in December than in January, I officially started doing my own thing on the 7th but this is the first week with my written down agenda. I am sure either way it’ll be awesome cos any change I will see will be good, maybe even better than back in 2013. ( was leaner but didn’t have that much of a butt lol ) The most important thing is I am not fixing on it, or getting frustrated for slow results, these things take time.

 

 

 

Blow your mind

I am blowing my mind right now, Gods that sounds awful…but the upside of keeping to oneself is that you get to reflect upon your life and actions a lot, especially after you fuck up and lose someone, I do not say this in the traditional sense of “OMG what did I do wrong, I gots to fix it to get this person back!” Cos that is temporary, like cutting the weeds, I must instead look into the roots, the soil, otherwise the same problem or a similar one will just be there waiting to arise.

So, me being me, have started to read daily, ponder about life, meditate a bit, etc all those things that seems silly but actually do help a lot to clear the mind, you’d be surprised how much you can learn from not thinking,just not overthinking, not imagining things, just focusing on the moment and what do you want but, and this is key, not expecting anything to happen. I’ll provide links for more comprehensive articles about this but basically you give it your all to the things you do want, if they are meant to be then they will happen,come, come back, etc, if not, you are not expecting those things to occur in order for you to be happy, you can be happy while working for things you want, whether you get them or not.  For example, I do want to look super hot, sometimes I’ve got a bit fixated on the idea, cos the traces of being fat are a reminder of the time I was the most unhappy, I understand that, so what I think now every time I start to worry about it, I say to myself “Chill Nan, that takes a while, just enjoy being healthy enough to workout, eating well and one day you’ll look at the mirror and see amazing changes” and I do that whenever I am being silly. Works wonders!

Modern life teaches us to get a job, a career, to get more, more a dream lovelife, it gives us expectations and ideals, I’m not saying we just lay there and nod at what we have but, if we don’t like something, we may as well change it. Doing the same things and thinking it will bring different results is a definition of insanity, so, what I did was to sit tight and realize what I don’t like, example, being clingy, to ideas, to people, to goals, etc. Cos being like that makes me worry, which makes me insecure which makes me overthink, see how it goes? That is what led me to develop that mild eating disorder back then… Make no mistake, this used to be soooooo bad for me before, I was really really really clingy and insecure, it got better but this is the moment when that changes cos I honestly and sincerely got affected enough by losing this person, it was a wake up call, like a slap in the face with an iron goblet.  Do I want to talk to her again? Fuck yeah, but I am not expecting that to happen, if it does it’ll be awesome, if not well, I learned something invaluable. I am as of now living a freer life, can I say “freer”? it sounds weird AF.

The difference is that I am not doing this or changing this or learning new stuff just to “fix” things with a single, specific person,  I am doing this cos I do not like that part of me and cos my life is being much more better now that I practice this, hmm how to call it.. This approach.  I’ve felt peace of mind and all that, it’s really nice.  I’ll be 34 years old soon and a better me, how fucking awesome is that?

The song is unrelated to the subject but related to the title, it’s my new gym tune, along of course with “Shake it off” by Mrs. Swift.

So, enough self- reflecting today, will write later about pansexual people and all those weird things that seem to be on trend nowadays.

 

 

Ooopsie, I forgot to add the links, well this is the one I read most recently , Stop obsessing with what you want, there’s a lot more,  don’t think I go around giving flowers and sunshine in the streets lol, but I do cherry pick stuff that seems good for me, from all ideologies.

The Fall

This series… I just watched the whole thing on Netflix, it’s about a homicide detective ( Gillian Anderson aka Scully! ) trying to solve a murder case, serial killer case. The fun thing is you find out in the first episode that the killer is this guy who is a father of 2, husband, counsellor, ( Jamie Dornan)  and how and why he does this and how is the police gonna get him.

It’s really interesting because it’s driven by the characters, Stella Gibson ( Gillian Anderson ) who seems very cold and aloof but highly efficient.  The police people, especially I liked the last guy to join the group, Tom, and Dani because she is a lesbian, it is disclosed but it doesn’t make her the token lesbian character or anything, it’s just a part of who she is. I loved that.

I loved the accents of course, this is all in North Ireland, it’s so good! they talk so…I am so not used to it, I loved it aye!

The guy, Paul Spector, oh man, he is smart, as the series go on you can see how fucked up in the head he is, the final episode was really good, I kind of saw it coming though.

So, if you want to fill 1-2 days with mystery go watch this on Netflix or wherever it’s available in your country. The guy’s daughter, Olivia is also very important.

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