Visions of Love

Perfect song or band name material there, but no, I want to go into the world of dating, online dating and similar. Buckle up thy belts!

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So, whether you know it or not, I have had a few girlfriends I’ve met online,  I won’t “count” the one I didn’t get to meet in person nor will I go into detail about the many people I talked to over the Internet since I was coming to terms, or rather learning about my sexual orientation from when I was  16 to the present day.

Also I’m not sure how I feel about dating apps, back in my day I met people either through the chat in a file sharing console program, ( such old days, it had MX on the name I’m sure..) or more recently on a yuri manga forum, not looking for it, just kinda happened.. awww.

Anyway , now there are a shitload of these apps and I think it is good to kinda be out there if you are not someone to go out clubbing, or to go out much as myself, I generally stay home, since I work from home, I don’t go to clubs and I kinda only go to gym but I also don’t talk to people there… lol  so it’s not exactly looking for me, just kind of being around.

The thing with online anything is, that it can be often misleading ( Ever watched Catfish? watch it! I love it cos I thing the dudes really care and seem super sweet)  in the sense of that it may be very easy, to talk to someone online ( it sure as hell is easier than in person most of the time, least for me ) it’s easier to get along, do not take me wrong, I genuinely think you can get to know someone a lot over the net, but somehow none of that really guarantees that things will go smoothly once you meet, ( if there are no plans on meeting it’s pretty pointless methinks ) even meeting once or twice doesn’t guarantee anything, but that’s another thing and not the point of my post today.

Today I want to address just this “talking phase” , when you think “Hey,this is nice” cos it’s a conversation that doesn’t feel too forced you know, like most do ( people just love asking generic stuff too much meow! ) that’s usually the first time, then somehow it’s like “hmm…”  there are of course few times when it’s super smooth and you can talk literally for hours and have an awesome time and subjects just keep coming on their own and suddenly you are on Whatsapp and stuff, but well, what I mean is that we may mistake a fast seemingly ok connection with just someone who was ok to talk to a bit, that day but not on a regular basis.

A thing that puts me off is that some women, specially on Mexican sites I’ve seen, are like “Hey, anyone to go on a date, or anyone who wants to be my gf, or hey anyone who wants to kiss me?” it’s a bit too much honestly.

I have read many texts about how we keep attracting people that show us our own reflection and thus we can learn and improve from them, but then those people go naturally out of our lives,  I know I always went for the emotionally unavailable kinda shitty person but she was not so shitty with me so I felt special cos I didn’t have self love, now I do and I just immediately stopped meeting such people, it is like that.

So, while I have NO idea of how many more people I’ll meet before being “ready” ( so to speak,cos we keep learning and learning and growing ) to meet my twin spark. I still think the red string of fate is a thing, just maybe not in all cases it means eternal romance or anything, just people you MUST meet and will leave a huge mark and learning. I do not think there is this one great love of your life that you can never be happy with, I think that idea comes from attachment and a tragic human mind cos somehow we find tragedy to be romantic AF, why oh why? So, most likely there is a special someone who is our twin spark and can caress our souls and we can do that back, but we suffer cos we sorta expect them show up every single time we meet someone, thus putting lots of pressure on people and things, attachment and expectations and not enough joy with our own company. And it’s not like that love we felt for others isn’t real just because it is not eternal, if it was sincere it was eternal while it lasted.  Happy tear?..hmm  ^_^

So I’m going to keep loving myself more and more and enjoy a lot cos I am truly the first and for now the only person who can really accept and handle the Nancy experience haha, if the meow asshat girl comes along, awesome, if not I’ll be just as happy cos I am in best company.

Epiphany.. . wow if one can be so happy and feel so good with someone who isn’t even their twin spark..imagine how would that be then? !

 

 

 

 

 

Citrus manga review

Well, I have talked about this before, but just now I got the chance to purchase the manga from Amazon Mexico, it is so good… The story as you may know it’s, well complicated, but there is something about this manga…  I’m not sure if it’s the character development or the awesome character design ( aka I love how the mangaka draws ) or the sexy yet not explicit nature of the relationship.

It was one of the best buys I’ve made this year, along with the first 5 books of A song of ice and fire aka Game of Thrones. I don’t want to spoil anything but if you do like this manga, support the artist and buy it. I’m eagerly waiting for the 5th tome to be released!

 

On another note, I’m not bitter and hating love haha, some people seem to think this, I have just opened up to this total different option where not everyone has this super special person waiting for them, it may happen, for people when they are ready, but isn’t it possible also that this is not the case? We should and could be more than enough to be happy, we are a whole orange, not a “half” , alas if there shall be a compatible spark it’s welcome, just we should remember sometimes it may be temporary, either to learn something from them or just because that is how it is, not because it feels and is true love it means it will last forever.  Maybe such a situation exists, maybe not, accepting this has made me feel greatly relieved, this mentality we have ,mostly, as people of “the right one being with me forever” is way too stressful.

Red string of fate revisited

Well..things have changed since last time I wrote about this subject. I still believe there are souls made to meet and have a sorta long lasting fulfilling relationship, I just think that it’s much much less likely than what I thought and that , at least for me, when I’ve felt such a strong connection and feelings, in the end it was just the universe showing me the things I had to/wanted to change and gave me a way to do it so ( check mirror law ) , I am thankful and all, I truly grow a lot each passing day, but it’s a bit disheartening that such a amazing, out of this world state of feelings was a mean to an end, to learn something and to be better and change and stuff.

So.. whereas I think it’s super cool to meet the souls you have to meet and learn from each other, I don’t think all of us have this twin spark, this soul mate. Cos when something had felt so incredibly real and it turns out it wasn’t that…  you stop believing ( at least for a while I think ) so maybe for some of us it’s like this, to be “alone” but that kind of alone is ok when you do have friends and family.  I really think i’m too much to handle, not only cos of some character flaws which can be “fixed” when you fix the underneath actual problem, but  to actually accept me as I am..with my views of the world and how I conduct myself… definitely not fitting  standard social roles or parameters..  I don’t think that’s possible. So I am fine with it, cos ,well , I thought I had met someone who could, but mm well, it wasn’t like that…so… but I am not going to change to make others happy or cos “it’s how things should be” so…

I guess that is it.  More fun posts will come, eventually, when everything is, well.. more fun, I am not here sulking all day haha, but well, some days are better than others, but it’s all good, it will be good in the end.

nicomaki

Anime and manga, giving me unrealistic ideas of eternal love since 1998. LOL

 

Up & Down,High & Low

… -breathes heavily-  sometimes I think I am very close to successfully get you out of my mind, it’s not like I want to entirely forget you, just this feelings I connect to the human being that is you.  But unlike movies and books I can’t choose how this goes, it’s like that song from Florence and the Machine “You can’t choose what stays and what fades away”.  I mean you can kind of, but… in the end, some street corner, some german name of some beer, some rainy spot makes me think of what it was and stopped being and maybe never was, useless? Hell yeah, but it still happens, and..well it makes me angry sometimes that I can’t quickly shake it off and just exile you from me, I don’t try to deny it, I will follow through cos maybe it’s the only way to a complete heal, but man sometimes it’s driving me nuts, I think I’m doing so well and then I have this stupid ass memory or a dream or a thought and it just crumbles down, I am aware, I know it’s ok for things to end, to not work, sometimes we just meet to show others what they need to change/fix/improve… but it’s not always that easy.

Mostly I want to play it cool, I don’t think you’ll ever read this, but god dammit I miss you sometimes so fucking bad, then I think about some other stuff and I carefully remind myself of how it all changed and I get mad cos you couldn’t be a bit clearer a bit sooner.

I… Ah I’m just so tired, I know love changes and people are bound to meet and well, maybe I do have someone to spend a very good part of my life with, romantically that is, or maybe not, I just can’t completely get over the fact it wasn’t you. It felt so damn real, I was really sure.  At the moment I just want to be left alone, I truly believe I am meant to be alone, I can’t keep on doing this, 2 times is enough for me to find out someone can love me till they get to really know me. I seriously have no desire for this to ever happen again.

Ok, all out, all good. This will take time, maybe a long time, but it’s ok, in the end I am happy we met and all, i am happy I met all the people in my life, no matter how things started or ended.  I just somehow wish you had stayed around longer. Liking me as i am of course, not …well.

 

 

 

Goals for next birthday ( or before it )

1.- Buy a freaking gaming PC where I can run Diablo III smoothly.

2.- Lower body fat to around 19-21 %

3.- Buy new smartphone to play Pokemon Go

4.- Buy Nintendo 3DS to play Pokemon X/Y

5.- Be hottest than a stellar fusion.

6.- Truly enjoy being single

7.- Never to consider move in or live with a possible future gf ( if I do have a future gf she’s gonna have to be really supa awesome ). Noppers.

 

CA

Offline

I didn’t log on Facebook or connected my phone to the Internet for a whole weekend. It was something I wanted to try out, being disconnected, since we live in this era when we are all the time getting so much information.

It was..weird, it caused me some anxiety, but also I got to totally focus on what I was doing, whether it was attending a serial killer exhibit ( awesome by the way!) or laughing with friends about bad restaurant service.

I think I like blogging more now and I liked it a lot already, so you may read more of my things more often.

If you like anime I’ve got to recommend these new titles airing this season :

Ange Vergie = World destruction,power, fan service, humour.

Love,Live! Sunshine! = more school idols, it’s kinda good.

Qualidea code = AWESOME music, funny and cool fighting.

The outcast : Chinese webcomic inspired, zombies and ki. Cool gal with knives.

 

It’s alright being an adult

A combination of my favourite song and my latest coming of terms with life. Brilliant!

I have to confess I always linked being an adult with being a boring person who hated their job, had a ton of bills to pay and had no joy. This can of course be true,  but I just realised it can also mean to be someone who can do well on their own, have the means to, for example, enjoy activities, go to places, upgrade a PC, buy glasses, etc.

It can be a mixture of responsibility  and common sense and fun, I don’t know why I was fixated on the idea that one can’t exist with the other, certainly this modern society burdens us with the idea of what a proper adult is, someone with their own car, buying a house to pay in 30 years, in other words is living a life imposed on “how things should be” but we as humans tend to do this throughout our lives.

I firmly believe you can do it all, yes you start with a job that may not make you passionate but it’s very nice and you get a nice payment ( I am of course speaking of myself here ) which allows you to get money to : buy things you need, save up, keep looking for that dream job ( translation agency!!) and further prepare yourself  ( I’m looking at you CAE test ) so being an adult for me means realising this, doing my best effort on all the things I do, even if it’s not my favourite things, cos such things bring me closer to the things I do want ! It’s also admitting maybe you relied too much on others, but this only made you more aware of how much there is left to learn, luckily I am a fast learner .

I have a brighter view on life, I have been thinking long and hard about my future and my life, something I avoided wildly not long ago, and… it’s alright, it’s not scary anymore, anything I want to do, I know I can, I know I am a fucking capable person and that is something that will always be true!

It also implies to keep your word and respect when others need time.

Nothing to ponder about life like seeing  this Tesseract.

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